Online Dating

Dating people online has certainly gotten a bad reputation over the years. Online dating is infamous for two things: 1) stalking and child molesters and 2) being really lame. While both of these objections have their merits, online dating can also be a very positive experience.

First, you do have to understand that there are a lot of perverts online. Because people think the Internet is anonymous (it's not), they think they can say and do what they want. Since you can say you are 15 years old when you're 30, there is no guarantee that the person you're talking to is who they say they are.

But while this can be dangerous, it can also be fun-- people only know what you tell them. So, if you're always made fun of at school for some embarassing mistake you made, or the way you look-- once you go online, nobody knows that anymore. And that's a great feeling, and can be a very positive experience-- you get to know people, and people get to know you, without any of the baggage of the past.

People who say all online dating is lame probably haven't tried it. Besides, there are plenty of lame dates in the "real" world. Relationships don't have to be about going places and doing stuff together; a healthy relationship can happen whereever conversations are possible between two people.

Personal Information- What You Should and Shouldn't Give Out

One of the most amazing aspects of the Internet is that you can easily reinvent yourself online. On the Internet, people primarily find out about you from what you tell them. Unlike in the "real" world, your first impression isn't usually how you look-- it's how you talk, or how your blog or MySpace looks. And that gives you a lot of freedom.

Privacy on the Internet

What kind of information should you put online? Well, before you add anything to the web-- a new screen name, a profile page-- heck, even registering for this website-- you should understand one thing about the Internet: once you put something up, it can be very hard to erase it.

Of course, most services like MySpace and Yahoo have "erase my account" features-- but, anyone else with a computer can make a copy of that picture/blog post/whatever you put up. And if they have a copy, they can put it up. Even something that you put up as a "secret" or "friend's only" on your website can be put up-- if one of your friends does it, or you accidentally hit the wrong setting by mistake. So, please be extra careful when posting personal information online.

A good general rule is never put anything online that you have to keep private.

Companies and Services

Along those lines, many services (Yahoo, MySpace) ask you for a lot of personal information when you sign up. But you don't have to give it to them. As long as the information that you put in the form is valid, they will approve your account. So if a company wants your real name, or a zip code, just make up a name. And for your zip code, you can use any zipcode, like 90210 (yeah, Beverly Hills).

This is much safer than using your real personal information on everything, and the companies won't shut down your account because you put in incorrect information. So another good rule is, never give personal information to companies that you don't absolutely have to (instead, just make it up).

An exception to this rule is the year you were born. While you can fake the month and day of your birthday, many companies use the year of your birth to allow or block access to certain services, and they are often required to do this by law. For this reason, it's best to go along and put in your correct birth year when signing up.

What You Should Tell Others

Whether you use AIM or Yahoo or Skype or one of the many other IM services, or MySpace or FaceBook or other social networking sites, there are a lot of opportunities to meet new people online. A lot of the people you meet can be very interesting, and most of those that aren't you know right away that something is wrong.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that on whichever service you use, generally the information you put in your profile is publicly available. That means you should never put anything like your real name, address, phone number, etc. in your profile. Also, you might think twice before putting up pictures-- just make sure it's a picture you wouldn't mind everyone being able to access (and have a copy of).

When you're chatting with someone for the first time, giving out your a/s/l (age, sex, location) isn't really a problem as long as you remember two things: 1) you never really know if the other person is telling the truth and 2) when you give your location, just give the state, or the part of the country (midwest, west coast)-- not your hometown. If you want to exchange pictures, you can do that, too, but remember-- you don't really know who you're talking to. It might be better to talk with someone two or three times (or more) before exchanging pictures.

Once you get to know someone well, you may want to tell them more about yourself. This is normal, and fine, but keep a few things in mind:

1. Don't give out your full name. If you've really taken a liking to someone, giving out only your first name gives you some personal connection, but withou the risk of giving out your full name.
2. Never give out your home address. If you decide to meet the person, you should always meet in a public place and always bring a friend-- after telling your parents first.
3. Don't give out your cell phone or home phone number. If you want to talk with your voice, buy a microphone for your computer and use Skype or Yahoo. This is much safer and it's a lot easier to change your Skype/Yahoo account than to change your cell phone number.

Cybersex

Cybersex didn't exist 30 years ago when your parents started fooling around. It's too new for schools to cover it. So it's easy to get lost when you're trying to find out what it is and what to do.

What is it?

Cybersex is "sex" but it's online. Two people find each other-- usually through chat rooms or instant messenger-- and they type sexual messages back and forth. There are specific chat rooms for this kind of thing, but if you use a major IM network you may be hit up randomly with this kind of request (often unwelcome). Skype in particular is bad about this.

Sometimes people just flirt. Other times people type messages to simulate having sex. Usually both participants masturbate as they type messages. Sometimes people exchange pictures or use webcams.

Why do it?

Most people who do cybersex do it with people they don't know-- strangers that they have never met (and never intend to meet). It's an easy and relatively safe way to experiment and try out sexual fantasies without actually putting one's body at risk. Also, since there is no real physical contact, there is no risk of pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases. Since it's basically just masturbating with another person, it's very safe sex.

Many people don't see the point of cybersex. Most of these people don't enjoy masturbating, either. Whether you are interested in cybersex or not, though, there are some things to bear in mind.

Are there any risks?

Everything we do in life has risks. For cybersex, here are the most important ones.

1. You don't know who is on the other end. You may think it's someone close to your age but the person could be 30 or 50. For this reason, you should never exchange personal information-- your full name, your picture, your phone number-- with anyone that you randomly have cybersex with. Although many people exchange pictures, many people use fake pictures. If you have to send a picture, send a fake. But try using your imagination instead-- after all, you're never going to meet the person, so (at its best) cybersex is mostly pretend anyway.
2. On many IM networks, it's easy for people to hold on to your screen name. For example, on AIM, people can add you to their buddy list and see when you're online. Although there are some ways to prevent this from happening, the best thing to do is to register a separate screen name for cybersex. This way, if you're sitting at the desk doing homework and talking to friends on your parents' computer there is still no chance of inappropriate messages coming up.
3. Never meet anyone you have cybersex with. A good explanation of why can be found at Perverted Justice. Perverted Justice is a volunteer organization that outs sexual predators online and turns them over to the police. This goes hand-in-hand with not giving out your contact information; if you don't give your information out when you mess around online, people can't harass you later.

Phone Sex

What is it?

Phone sex is like cybersex except it happens over the phone. People say dirty things to each other, usually masturbating at the same time.

Why do it?

Unlike cybersex, people very rarely do phone sex with partners they just met. Instead, often people get to know each other over a period of several months before exchanging phone numbers.

Phone sex also enjoys some popularity among "real life" couples who can't see other for an extended length of time (for example, one is spending the summer in another state).

What are the risks?

Phone sex is much more dangerous than cybersex. The reason is that some people you give your number out to practice phone stalking. Phone stalking means someone constantly calls you to harass you for sex and say perverted things.

Unfortunately, once you have given your phone number to someone, you cannot prevent them from calling again without changing your phone number, which isn't easy at all. Although cell phones usually have the feature to block calls from a specific number, a clever stalker will find other phones to call you from.

For people who have phone sex with many partners, it usually doesn't take long to run into a phone stalker. For this reason, I strongly recommend not engaging in phone sex while you live with your parents.

Instead, if you really want to have voice sex, buy a microphone and attach it to your computer. Microphones can be found for pretty cheap ($10-20). Then you can use most of the big IM networks (AOL, Yahoo, MSN) to have voice chat, but you only have to give out your screenname. As long as you use a special screen name for your sexual activities (instead of your normal screenname you give to most of your friends), if you run into any problems, you can just make a new screenname, and it will be much easier to get away from uncomfortable situations.

Pornography

There's a lot of pornography all over the Internet. Many teenagers look at pornography. While curiosity toward sex is natural, it is important to remember a couple of things:

• The world depicted by pornography isn't real. No one has sex like they do in porno movies-- pornography is as real as a cartoon. Trying to imitate behavior you see in porn can cause major trouble.
• The law (in the US) says you can't watch porn if you're under 18. Why is this? For the same reason you can't smoke until you're 18-- the law is in place to protect everyone, but in the US adults have a right to choose, and kids don't. So adults can watch porn, even though it may harm them, but kids can't. (But I understand that even though it's illegal many kids ignore the law.)
• The companies that produce porn are often supporters of sexism and racism. Companies who make pornography often highlight "freaks" because they think that will help them sell products. And in the end, that's what they're doing-- selling peoples' bodies as a product.

It sounds like I'm pretty negative on pornography-- and I am. Why? It's not that looking at naked bodies is bad; we were born naked-- how can that be bad? Rather, my problem with porn is that the pictures and movies are sold, and made for selling, and what they are trying to sell is cheap, irresponsible sex-- the kind that no one should really have. And to sell this cheap, irresponsible sex they make it look as good as they can, and they try to sell it to kids.

Now, looking at some naked pictures every once in awhile isn't going to damage you, but the problem is, kids can easily get addicted to pornography. Many teenagers masturbate more than once a day. If you masturbate several times a day, always to pornography, you are probably addicted.

I am not a medical professional, so I cannot give medical advice. But, what I can tell you is that if pornography takes over your life-- and it can, if you're using it several times per day to masturbate-- you need to get help. Talk to someone who can help-- preferably a doctor or a psychologist-- but you should consider telling your parents, too.

It's strange how the human body can become so obsessed with pictures and movies of sex, but it is an increasingly common occurrence. Unfortunately, the Internet makes pornography readily available every day to every one of the millions of people who uses it.

This article is still an early draft, so please add your comments at the bottom of the page.