In this book I am attempting to combine both my own advice along with the experiences and opinions of all of the visitors to this site. Feel free to comment on any page with your own feedback.
Not in a relationship? Want to be in one? Here's my advice.
When you're little you get silly; you whisper to your friends you "like" this boy or girl and tell them not to tell anyone-- later, when one of your friends inevitably tells the class, you blush and try to deny it.
When you're in your teens it's much the same, except now you're too embarrassed to be silly and you really do get angry with your friend for telling.
But crushes are a playful thing; they are supposed to be silly. Don't take them too seriously.
Together, junior high and high school give you a good six (or seven) years to start getting to know yourself. It is a time where you can experiment with who you are, what you like, and what you do. You have a lot of freedoms, one being you can like whoever you want-- and, if you're like most of us, you'll have quite a few crushes before your schooling ends. After all, crushing on different people is part of growing up. You're learning what you like (and don't). It's natural to have feelings for all sorts of characters.
However, just because you have feeling doesn't mean you should act on it. We have many feelings in life that shouldn't be acted on. If you're angry and you feel like killing someone, we all know we shouldn't really kill them. Of course, love isn't murder-- usually, we hope :) Sometimes, though, we forget that just because you get really horny, or really lonely, you don't actually need someone-- and having that someone will not necessarily cure your problem.
So there's someone you've been crushing on for quite some time. You have a feeling the person might like you, but you're not sure. You might be waiting for them to ask you out. But why wait? Just ask yourself!
Many people are shy-- chances are, you and your crush are both in the same situation. You've given some signs; you've noticed some signs. But maybe the other person isn't catching on. It's time to speak up.
Of course, it's hard to take that first step. You have to ask yourself: is it worth the risk? Only you can answer that.
It's especially hard when it's someone you've been friends with for a long time. You don't want to ruin the friendship. And if you ask the person out, well, things could go wrong. But what's the worst that could happen? If you've been friends for a long time, it's very rare to completely stop being friends because-- what? you like the other person. And of course, if the other person has feelings, too... Well, it could be quite a great combination.
How do you ask? It can be dramatic; it can be simple. Remember though-- less is often more. If you plan too hard you're only going to be disappointed. Just do what you're comfortable with. If you're too embarrassed, or don't trust your voice, write a note-- but give it in person (you don't have to stay around for it to be read, though). Don't call or use e-mail, though; it's too impersonal.
Popping the question can be scary, but if you already know the person-- and you have taken time to get to know your crush, right?-- you should have some idea of whether your feelings are reciprocated. Now it's time to confirm.
At least start a conversation-- that's not too hard. Say "Hi", ask how the day is going-- if you can't think of anything, ask for help with your homework! Just do something-- start talking-- and take your time.
You may find someone you thought was really cute is actually very disagreable. But that's good-- you've saved yourself a lot of trouble! You didn't get rejected; you don't have any emotional pain-- and, now that you've approached your crush and realized he/she's not what you thought, your feelings will probably go away pretty quick.
Do you want to look back on life and wonder "What could have been?" Of course not! If you're good friends, ask away, and if not, get to know the person better-- but don't just sit there!
It can be hard to tell if your crush likes you. Most people are shy. Before you try to find out, however, ask yourself: "Is this a relationship I want to be in?"
It makes sense to want to go somewhere before you get in the car and start driving. Make sure this relationship will make you happy. Don't date someone just because all your friends are dating someone. Don't do it because someone else says you should; if you don't feel attracted to the person now, those feelings probably won't develop later. Don't do it to get revenge; you'll only end up hurting yourself. Be true to your own heart.
Do you see yourself with your crush in the future? Do you want a future with this person? If you don't, should you really be dating him or her?
Today "serious" relationships have a bad reputation as sterile, formal situations that aren't fun at all. But a "serious" relationship with someone you love can be quite a lot of fun. It's serious not as in marriage, but as in serious about each other-- enough to confide in one another your hopes and fears, your dreams and your disappointments.
Of course, thinking long-term, be careful not to get carried away. Don't wrap yourself so tightly you can't unwind when it's all said and done.
That said, if you're serious about dating but don't know if he or she likes you, there is a list of signs that can help you tell.
First, remember no list is comprehensive. You have to use your brain. Look at the cues he or she gives you, and, if you know him or her well enough, you should be able to tell at least partly what he/she is thinking. Does
it add up?
One warning: do NOT have your friends ask if he or she likes you.
This is the absolute worst thing you can do. First, it shows
you are a coward. NO ONE likes a coward. If you don't care enough
to ask the person yourself, you don't really care that much--
that's what he or she will think. Second, he/she won't tell your friends the
truth anyway. Save
yourself the trouble and ask on your own.
Hopefully now you have some idea whether he or she likes you or not,
although you might be confused if you're very close friends, and in
any case you're still probably wondering how to know if the person likes
you for sure. Well, you're in luck-- there is one surefire
way to tell if your crush likes you, and it works every time.
What is the secret? The secret is:
The beauty of this secret is that it can be applied by anyone, anywhere, in any situation. But it takes a lot of time and work.
I know you want an easy way. But if there was an easy way, someone would have found it by now and they'd be telling everybody, and everybody would be doing it. There is no easy way.
What is this incredible secret? I bet you think it's really lame. The secret is to be yourself.
It doesn't seem to be a secret at all, really. But we often forget that honesty is a huge turn-on. Do you want somebody who likes you because you're trying to be someone else? Heck no-- you want someone who likes you for who you are!
Do you want to be fake? Do you want someone to fall in love with you, then realize you're not the one he or she fell in love with-- the person fell in love with whoever you were pretending to be?
There is no way to dress, act, talk, or walk except your own. Don't settle for someone else's version of your life! Get the real deal.
Live the life you've always wanted! Ever thought it would be nice to have somebody who was _________? You can! Stop listening to the people that shoot you down and start living life your way.
Ever wanted to try something, but never could because someone said it was stupid or you'd never be good at it? Forget them! If you want to try something new-- something you-- go for it!
Frustrated by what somebody "expects" from you? Lose them! Be who you are-- do what you want-- and let them like or dislike you for that.
But "being yourself" isn't easy.
As it turns out, there are a lot of problems with the "be yourself" theory:
I understand how you feel. There's a lot of crap out there about how you can change your life a little bit (be yourself, or, be 'more' of yourself) and then suddenly you'll have girls and guys everywhere begging you to go out with them. That doesn't happen, so let's get real:
Teenage life isn't particularly straightforward. Your body changes, and as you mature you develop new and different types of feelings for all kinds of people. You have many different types of crushes during your teenage years. Some of these are good to act on, some aren't. But you obviously can't date everybody you crush on-- but if you could, looking back, that would probably be worse. Sometimes limits are a wonderful thing.
As people grow, their feelings do the same roundabout transformation. They "love" you one week, they "hate" you the next. But that's not really love or hate: that's just crushing, the mindless firing of the nerves and hormones.
The awful truth is that it's hard to get a good boyfriend/girlfriend. Obviously-- if it was super easy, wouldn't almost everybody? So what separates those who have great partners from those who don't?
Being yourself is a start. Yeah, you may think you're too outspoken, or shy, or ugly-- get over yourself. There's nothing "cool" about hating your body. You shouldn't think you're God's gift to men or women, but you shouldn't be hating on yourself, either.
If you don't like who you are, fine-- do what you can to change it-- but don't lie. Don't fake it. Don't change because somebody else wants you to. Do it for yourself.
Great boyfriends and girlfriends aren't easy to find, but you can make the search easier or harder on yourself. It hinges on where you choose to look.
For example, you're looking for the perfect partner. Do you think he or she is more likely found
A. at a dance, where you "hook up" for a few hours and exchange numbers
B. falling out of the sky, at just the right moment
C. in a friend, a someone you've known forever and grown to care for
Note that you *could* find the perfect partner in all three of the above situations. It's incredibly rare, but possible, that the guy or gal you hook up with for a one-night stand ends up being your soul mate. It's even rarer, though still possible, for someone to parachute into your life with a proposal. But it's a lot more likely you fall in love with a friend, or at least someone you know well.
On the other hand, you can look too hard for the perfect person. If you have a huge checklist of all the things your lover needs to be, take a hard look at that list. What's really important? Is loyalty? Honesty? Blue eyes?
Let's be honest here: who are you as a person? Are you this total dreamboat, perfect in every way? Your body, your personality, your character-- all without a single flaw?
No, of course not. So don't expect the one you date to be perfect either. But are you honest, caring, and sincere? Then look for someone who's honest, caring, and sincere. Opposites attract initially, but those who feel the same on many things stay together a lot longer.
There is no magic potion to make people fall in love-- and I assumed when I wrote this article that you were actually looking for a serious relationship, not just a casual fling. In fact, through this whole website I assume your goal is to find someone you love and care about, who loves and cares about you.
If you're just looking for something casual and carefree, the rules are different. You don't have to try as hard. You can be fake and get away with it. But in the end, a few weeks later, you're left with less than what you started with.
A real romance keeps giving back in memories long after you and your partner have said goodbye.
Rome wasn't built in a day. And it isn't easy to "find yourself"-- it's a lifelong process. However, if you work at it, you can find someone who likes you for you.
Of course, sometimes discovering yourself can be difficult. Try keeping a journal. You can do it at home, in a notebook, or you can try putting a journal online.
Most "life planning" advice can be summarized into a single expression: Do what's important now.
It may sound simple, but that doesn't mean it's easy. How often do you think, "I should've handled this differently," or, "I shouldn't be so mean," or, "I should get to know my mom better"-- how many times do you think those thoughts, and yet not do those things? Sometimes the simplest things are the trickiest.
A life of regrets is a bad life. A life of action is a good one. Now just because you act doesn't mean you'll do the right thing-- you'll screw up plenty-- but if you never act, you'll never know, and if you never do, you'll never have a chance. So what if you mess up? Try again. Do it differently-- but don't just give up. If you don't act, nothing will ever get done.
Whether you think you can or can't-- you're right. --Henry Ford
What do you do? As a teen you have a lot of free time, and there are the traditional activities: school, sports, TV, friends, and church. If you're happy with what you have, great, but if not, take a look around. See the suffering in this world: your friends, your family, the hungry, the homeless... Isn't there something you can do?
A lot of times you see an opportunity but you put it off because it would be "too hard" or "too much work." Don't make that mistake. Follow your heart in all you do. Sure, one person can't do it all, but one person can do enough-- enough to make a difference.
The work you do doesn't have to be big to be good. A lot of times you see a huge achievement and think, "Well, I'd like to do something like that, but I'd never have the time." That's not true! No one sits down and does a big achievement all at once. Those that do great things just do little things consistently.
The journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. --Lao Tzu
If you have a large task, break it down. Take it day by day. You can't do it all at once anyway, so it's a lot easier to look at what you can do now rather than stare immobilized at the whole thing.
If you live for the future you're going to be unhappy. Live in the now; don't worry about what is to come. You don't decide what happens in life; you decide how you react to it. Be mindful of where you are, make the best choices you can, and always do what you think is right. That is the path to happiness.
In your life, you should feel that you have time to yourself. If you're always busy, that's a problem. What are you doing that you don't need to be? Even if you're only doing things you love, if you feel bad about life you're doing too much. Give something up. Only by letting go will you find the way.
There is a modern idea that being busy is a virtue-- that somehow, when you don't have time for yourself or anybody else, you're doing the right thing. Wrong! Wake up! If you don't have time for yourself or anybody else, why even bother being alive?
Take time to yourself every day. What you do during this time doesn't matter, but set aside at least fifteen minutes daily to collect yourself. Keep a journal, pray, listen to music, meditate-- do what relaxes you. If you work too hard without taking a break, you'll lose sight of who you are and what you should be doing.
What do you want to do when you grow up? Don't know? Neither do I! Questions like that are loaded. You can't determine the future.
Guys are only interested in girls that have big boobs and a tight butt. Girls only want guys that play at least three sports, and are good at all of them. Guys never care about deep conversation, and they certainly don't have any non-superficial feelings. Girls have to wear makeup to be attractive.
There are a lot of superficial people, sure. But what about the rest of us?
It's hard to find the right person for you, but you can make the search easier on yourself. It hinges on where you choose to look.
Pop quiz: you're looking for the perfect match. Do you think he or she is more likely found:
A. at a dance, where you "hook up" for a few hours and exchange numbers
B. falling out of the sky, at just the right moment
C. in a friend, someone you've known for awhile and grown to care for
You *could* find the perfect person in all three of the above situations (in my case, it was B). It's incredibly rare, but possible, that the one you hook up with for a one-night stand ends up being your soul mate. It's even rarer, though still possible, for someone to parachute into your life with a proposal. But it's a lot more likely you fall in love with a friend, or at least someone you know well.
Unfortunately in romance, doing all the right things is no guarantee of success. Love is unpredictable. But that means you have to decide what you want. Don't settle for less.
On the other hand, you can look too hard for the "perfect" person. Making lists of everything you want is-- let's face it-- pretty immature. Think about what you really want-- honesty, loyalty a good body-- and take the time to figure out what that means for you. When should you be honest in a relationship, and when shouldn't you? The questions apply to you as much as to your partner.
If you're still having trouble with perfection, think of it this way: who are you as a person? Are you this total dreamboat, perfect in every way? Your body, your personality, your character-- all without a single flaw?
No, of course not. So don't expect your date to be perfect either. But are you honest, caring, and sincere? Then look for someone who's honest, caring, and sincere. Opposites attract initially, but those who feel the same on many things stay together a lot longer.
There is no magic potion to make people fall in love-- and I assumed when I wrote this article that you were actually looking for a serious relationship, not just a casual fling. In fact, through this whole website I assume your goal is to find someone you love and care about, who loves and cares about you.
If you're just looking for something casual and carefree, the rules are different. You don't have to try as hard. You can be fake and get away with it. But in the end, a few weeks later, you're left with less than what you started with.
A real romance keeps giving back in memories long after you and your partner have said goodbye.
No, true love isn't easy to find, and it takes a long time. Love takes a long time. Rome wasn't built in a day. And it isn't easy to "find yourself", either-- it's a lifelong process. However, if you work at it, and you stay true to your own heart, you can find the one who likes you for you.
Being single can be difficult, especially when most of your friends have/have had somebody. But there's nothing wrong with being single; it's much better to feel occasionally lonely then to spend time with someone who doesn't really care about you.
Looking at other people's relationships, you often see only the positives, but even the best relationships have some drawbacks. There are pros and cons to any situation.
Loneliness is difficult-- it's almost worth it to get into any relationship, any relationship at all-- but it's not. Learning to live with yourself is one of the most important lessons during your teenage years. When you can accept you're not always going to have someone in your life, things will get better, you'll have more self confidence, and when you finally do find someone, you'll be able to appreciate your relationship that much more. Besides, if you always are in a relationship, even with people you don't particularly like, how is the one you truly want ever going to find you?
Instead of feeling lonely, go out and do things you like to do. And then when you meet guys/girls with similar interests, talk to them! To get involved with someone you care about, get involved with something you care about. Of course, you won't necessarily date them, but get to be friends: having friends is a great way to show yourself that yes, you can talk to the other sex.
Boys (or girls) may be on your mind a lot, but don't let them dominate your life. If the opposite sex is all you can think about, things are out of control. Put "romance" on the back-burner for a second. Find your own heart first; then look to connect to another's. Make sure your own life is in order before you start trying to enter someone else's.
Enjoy what you have! There's nothing glamourous about always having a boyfriend or girlfriend. There's nothing great about always being "taken." Really, it's kind of pathetic that so many people "need" a partner to feel self worth. Don't be taken in by this crap. You are your own person. Value your own life. You don't "need" anybody to give your life meaning.
If you enjoy casual relationships without any real commitment, fine, but if you are upset because you can't get a serious relationship, look at what you're doing. What kind of people are you going after? You can't just "have a serious relationship" because you want one. It's a lot of work.
Without some time to be alone you'll never develop who you truly are. Yes, we find ourselves in others, as the saying goes. But we can only find ourselves if we recognize who we are, and the only way we can do that is on our own, by ourselves.
Society makes relationships such a big deal it's no wonder teens fret and fear being single. Besides, it's a natural desire to want to be in a relationship. But that doesn't mean you have to be, or even that you should be!
Plenty of people go through relationships like Kleenexes. Of course, some think a bit more carefully and realize that it's probably easier and more effective in the long run to just get a handkerchief. Yes, a handkerchief is a bit more costly, but no longer do you have to worry about where that next tissue is going to come from. The handkerchief will be there. (Still, sometimes handkerchiefs need replacing. But I'll stop here.)
Listen carefully to people who go on and on about how great their boyfriends or girlfriends are. Sometimes, the person has a truly caring, sweet boyfriend or girlfriend who loves her and works hard to make her happy. This person may genuinely be in love-- but chances are, that boyfriend or girlfriend didn't fall out of the sky.
Then there's that person who has a new date every week or two. Cynical people might say that these people are only pushing their own feelings of insecurity off on everybody else, and the only way they can feel secure is because they can get attention from boys/girls. When these people talk about love, they generally don't know what they're talking about. What does it mean to be in love after two weeks? Besides, if you date that many people, you're probably too caught up in yourself to get to know your partners.
Here's the difference: the first person thinks his or her date is great, while the second thinks dating is great.
Ideally we could always date someone really sweet who could connect with us on a deep level but still share in all the fun besides. Unfortunately, this is rarely possible. So we're given a choice-- do you date people you don't care about so much, or do you wait for someone you really like?
Before you start dating, ask yourself: "What do I want out of a relationship?" Dating "just because" that's the thing to do isn't going to make you happy. Dating because you're tired of being single will be a change of scenery, but it won't solve your loneliness problem.
You choose whether to date for serious involvement or fun, but don't confuse the two: you can't have love in a fling and going long-term won't always be light-hearted fun.
You won't (and shouldn't) know everything about your partner before you start going out, but you should know something. Getting to know each other before you get involved will tell you volumes about whether you're compatible or not, while also sparing you from jumping into a relationship that wouldn't work. Especially if you want a serious relationship, get acquainted before you start dating-- besides, how can you know you want to be serious when you don't even know $him?
In life, obviously, you'll probably be in both kinds of relationships: serious and casual. But you don't have to start in high school. You have plenty of time. In the great scheme of things, high school isn't really important. Plenty of normal, highly successful, romantically successful people never dated in high school. But boy, are there a lot of ways to screw up if you do.
Here's a big secret that most people figure out sooner or later: the people who value looks most are the only ones you don't want to get involved with.
I'm not saying looks aren't important. They are. What I'm saying is there's no such thing as a perfect body, and there's no reason to make drastic changes to your own.
There's no girl every guy likes, and no guy every girl likes (no guy every guy likes, no girl every girl likes). Everybody has other people who like them, and nobody has everybody like them.
And I'm not talking "despite your looks, I like you for your personality." No, I mean, "Wow, you have a hot body!"
We're too eager to set standards for what looks good and what doesn't. But the fact is, we all prefer different things. Don't be taken in when people tell you have to dress a certain way, or act a certain way, or that "well I'm sorry, you'll never have somebody because you're just too plain ugly!" Chances are, the person who told you that was too cold-hearted to ever get in a decent relationship.
You can spend your life trying to fake being someone else, working hard to be who you're not, fighting every day the desire within your heart to be you. Or you can tell society to shove it and celebrate who you are, be beautiful (or handsome), and enjoy your life because dang it, it's your life, and you only get one shot.
If you don't like the way you look, and you want to change, fine, but do it for you, don't do it for somebody else. If you decide you need to slim down to be healthy, that's perfectly acceptable. But don't starve yourself because some dick thinks you're fat.
Regardless of your looks, there will be people who will be attracted to you. There probably already are; there's a lot of shy people out there who will never say anything. Of course, hopefully attraction won't be the sole basis of your relationships.
Contrary to popular belief, younger does not equal better. In society we like to downplay differences, but there is a huge gap between 14 and 20.
Lots of people say, "Well, I'm mature for my age," and if so, that's great! But there are two kinds of maturity: behaving maturely and being mature. Behaving mature requires a quick mind and an ability to act "beyond your age." These are good skills, but to actually be mature requires life experience-- years lived-- that you simply don't have at 14, 15, or 16.
You have plenty of time to develop relationships later in life. Now is the time to find yourself-- not to be looking for someone else.
If your parents disallow you to date until a certain age, don't worry-- you're not alone, and you'll have plenty of opportunities later. Besides, dating at younger ages isn't much fun-- what can you really do at 14, anyway? Many aren't allowed to date until they're 16. At 16 you can drive a car, so this seems pretty reasonable to me, comparatively. Of course, if your parents say 18, that's tough. But it's not the end of the world.
If you take lessons learned while single to heart-- you can survive by yourself without a relationship, for example-- you'll be much more successful later in your relationships. Of course, that means you have to learn the lessons from being single, which means you're going to have to be single for awhile. But being single is fun! If you don't think so-- if you can't have fun by yourself-- how are you ever going to have fun with others?
Take some time and find out who you are. Boys and girls can come later. There's no sense dating someone only to find out you're somebody different. Save yourself the trouble and do that first.
Looking for information about sex and sexuality activity?
First kisses are always something special. Of course, because people understand this, they often work very hard to perfect that first kiss, planning out every last detail. Ultimately, however, they are disappointed. Why?
The details do not make the kiss special; the wonder is what happens, not the specifics. The spontaneity-- the unplanned "I kiss you because I want to; you kiss me because you want to" is where the magic lies.
First kisses are great because you're kissing a guy or girl you like who likes you, not because they're "great" kisses. Most are awkward-- which makes sense; it is your first, after all! What doesn't make sense is planning everything out, because then you'll expect something that's not, which will certainly disappoint.
Kissing is an art. You can't plan art.
A first kiss is a special step into the world of romance, not the ultimate kiss. Why should it be? If it was, what would you look forward to?
Think short, soft, and sweet. Don't trouble yourself with anything heavy like tongue. Keep it simple. There's plenty of time for other stuff later.
Most first kiss horror stories are from people who tried too hard and rushed with the wrong person. Lighten up. Relax. If you trust and like the guy or girl you're with, there's nothing to worry about. Even if things aren't quite right the first time, you'll have myriad opportunities later.
When should you kiss? Some couples kiss on the first date; others take a few months. Do what you feel comfortable with. If you're ready, go for it, but if not, waiting serves a purpose too.
Side note: there's no rule that says guys or girls have to make the first move. It is perfectly acceptable for to initiate the kiss, provided your partner doesn't say anything like, "Well, I hope you don't kiss me until I'm ready."
Do you need to ask? Some people think it ruins the romance, but others insist you question first. Usually, however, you can tell if someone is interested. If the person is very shy or jumpy, you don't want to scare him or her, and in that case you probably should ask, but generally, it's probably unnecessary.
Kissing is an art, not a science, and there is no hard-and-fast rule for when the time is right. Just use your brain: you're sitting on a bench with your boyfriend (or girlfriend) alone together; he/she moves closer; he/she puts his arm around you; you're staring into each other's eyes, talking softly; his/her face moves closer to yours; he/she glances down at your lips-- is there anybody who can't tell this person wants to kiss?
Yes, it isn't always that obvious, but you should be able to get a feel for it, even with limited experience. If, however, you really are confused, don't be afraid to ask! Asking is unnecessary only if you can tell. If you can't, it's no big deal: just ask!
Remember, just don't plan too much: choose the right person, but after that, there's no need to worry about the specifics. The who is far more important than the what.
When little, many of us fantasize about growing up and getting married. Granted, we don't understand, but most newlyweds probably don't fully understand, either. Experiences often differ greatly from imagination. Yet even from our smallest, we have some basic ideas about love, romance, and the way things should work.
During our teenage years we grow intellectually and reconsider our foolish childhood views, but, more importantly, recommit to the values we truly cherish. Of course, staying true to your beliefs is very difficult when you're unsure precisely what you believe, and teenage years are notorious for confusion. But no one can make these decisions for you. Others can help, but you must challenge your own ways of thinking. You must discover how you really feel so you can feel that way. You'll make mistakes, sure, but only working towards what you truly believe will make you happy.
In life, transition periods are marked by big changes. From childhood to the teenage years, sexuality is one of the "big changes." Unfortunately, society divides us with two opposing messages: "just say no" from our schools and churches, and "just say yes" from our friends, television, and magazines.
Who do you trust? Churches have our best interests at heart, but religious institutions can feel outdated. They didn't have birth control then; we have condoms now. Besides, there are plenty of sexual activities besides intercourse, and the religious stance has never been very clear on them.
Magazines and television make sex look really good. Special effects make movies look really good. But do things really happen that way?
Sexual intercourse implies childbirth, and the possibility of pregnancy requires responsibility and maturity well beyond what most teenagers are capable. Yet sexual activity is not limited to sex; masturbation, petting, and oral sex are all forms of sexual expression.
The majority of men, and many women, masturbate. Scientifically masturbation has no ill effects; it is a positive way to relieve stress and explore sexuality. Learning about your body alone better prepares you for sexual relationships with others, and masturbating can help pass time while you're waiting for the right person. Definitely masturbation is physically and emotionally safer than interpersonal sexual encounters. If you have personal or religious objections, by all means, follow your convictions, but know there is nothing medically wrong with the proposition.
Masturbation excepted, all sexual activity involves other people. The dilemma: which people? What's just fun, and how far is too far?
Kissing-- specifically, making out-- has been the accepted hallmark of the teenage generation for some time. Most people don't have a problem with it; why should they? The "big deal" in kissing is being with someone you care for, not risks, but avoid the temptation of cheap thrills. Kisses should be special; making out because it feels good often doesn't feel so good later. "Needing" someone to satisfy you is an illusion caused by poor self-esteem. Secure your own heart before seeking another's. Sharing precious moments with someone you've grown to love is one of the joys of life; making out with a person you met six hours ago is just sleazy.
After some time couples begin to consider other activities besides kissing. "Heavy petting" (handjobs, fingering) is often a consideration. But how long should you wait? What are the risks?
With heavy petting, STD transmission is possible, as with any exchange of body fluids. Pregnancy is not a risk, unless somehow semen makes contact with the vagina. But, beyond biology, examine this emotionally. Intimate touching can be every bit as involved as intercourse itself.
We wear clothes for a reason. We don't bare our private parts because they're supposed to be private. This is not because they are "bad"; we conceal them out of modesty, and part of modesty is saving special things for special people. Sexuality is very special indeed. This contradicts "If you've got it, flaunt it"-- but ask yourself: what does flaunting prove? Regardless of your appearance you will attract people; however, are the guys you attract by looking slutty the guys (or girls) you want? Why not hold yourself high and win someeone who's worthwhile?
If he or she gives a rose to everyone, it's nothing special, but if he or she only gives a rose to you...
Relationships are like gardening: if you cut the flower and put it in a vase (take all you can sexually)-- the flower will be nice and pretty for awhile, but soon it will be brown, ugly, and dead. It won't be long before you have to replace the flower, change the water, and clean up the flakes from the last dead bloom. How many flowers will you go through before you find one to keep? Is that something to be proud of?
However, if you momentarily forget your own wants and attend to the flower as a whole, giving it water and shielding it from the elements-- why, the entire plant will grow larger and more beautiful, blossoming more than ever before.
We are sexual beings, but just because we feel sexually doesn't mean we have to act on those feelings. You can be sexual without sexual activity. Under the right circumstances, "innocent" kissing can be as gratifying as intercourse itself. More depends on how you view sexual activity in your mind rather than what you're actually doing. Sexual expression doesn't have to be intercourse, oral sex, or petting; it can be "merely" kissing, masturbation, or a sexy dress.
Many teens think sexual gratification comes only through increased sexual activity, and this is unfortunate. You can't appreciate the little things in life (kisses) if you're always concentrating on the big things (sex), but there are far more "little" things than big, and it's a shame to find yourself unable to enjoy them.
It's very easy to jump into sexual activity in a short period of time. It's very hard to abstain over a long period of time. But look at the benefits: short-term sexual relationships usually end as quickly as they begin, but with tremendous emotional fallout. On the other hand, long-term, committed relationships with mutual respect and love are extremely positive, life-changing experiences.
You are responsible for your body. Decide what you want out of life. Do you want many brief, anonymous sexual encounters? Do you value physical activity more than emotional commitment? Or, in your opinion, does emotional involvement come first, and physical satisfaction second?
Generally, people who wait for long-term (year-plus), loving relationships have the most positive sexual experiences, if indeed they choose to have sex, which many don't. Some couples enjoy just being together, and kissing, but see little need to go farther. Why should they? If you're romantically inclined, a massage is a much better gift than a blowjob.
Whether you want a serious, committed relationship or a series of flings, don't engage in sexual activity because you don't think you'll find someone who loves you. You will: the majority of people don't marry until well into their twenties, and many of these men and women never dated in high school, much less junior high. There's someone out there going through the same thing you are. You will meet this person; the choice is whether it's worth the wait. Choose what makes you comfortable. Do not compromise your beliefs, regardless of what others think. You have to live with yourself afterwards. Others don't.
Oral sex is a good example. Some girls think they can give head to "keep" their boyfriends while still remaining "virgins." First, any guy you must give sexual favors to "keep" is not a guy you want to be dating. Secondly, isn't oral sex sex? Oral sex puts you at risk for STDs just like "normal" sex. Sure, you won't get pregnant, but you might be prevented from ever getting pregnant (many STDs can cause sterility).
Oral sex isn't just physically risky; you put yourself in emotional jeopardy as well. Think: you're putting your (or his) penis in your mouth; few things are more intmate than that. You really need to trust your partner. NEVER get involved with someone who doesn't treat you right.
If you limit virginity to meaning "never having had sexual intercourse," I suppose you can still be a virgin and have oral sex. But that's missing the point: oral sex is heavy stuff. Some feel oral sex to be even more intimate than intercourse! You have to reject the idea "virginity" means "going as far as possible as fast as possible without penetration." Not only is this view physically and emotionally dangerous, it's wrong.
In school we are often taught to remain virgins, but we are told "virgin" simply means "someone who hasn't had sex." There is a world of sexual activity before intercourse, and much of this activity is as physically and emotionally charged as intercourse itself.
We are told to remain virgins for many reasons, some factual, some mythical. One valid reason: in the heat of the moment, our desire often runs away with us. Only by having a conscious commitment to saying no can we back down effectively. Saying "yes" merely because you got too excited is bound to leave regrets.
Our bodies are designed to be sexually responsive, but we are also designed to attach emotionally to those we are involved with sexually. This is what makes sex sacred in marriage. In a "casual" relationship, this can be very bad.
Becoming sexually involved-- even just petting; it doesn't have to be intercourse-- with someone who doesn't care can be disastrous. Because some people can have meaningless sex, if sex means something to you, and now you've done it and expect commitment, but he or she doesn't, well, you can see the problem. This is why it is important to set sexual limits before you get involved. Once you are in a relationship, you are much more likely to go farther than you originally intended, unless you have a clear idea about where you stand.
If you are in a relationship, and you're personally considering sexual activity, start talking about things together. Discuss sexual activity before you do it. Insure you're both on the same page before you skip to the next chapter. Even if you've had sexual experiences in the past (good or bad), it's important to clear the waters and figure out where exactly your relationship is. Miscommunication is a huge problem.
Sexuality grows with age. It's wonderful, but don't rush it. There's a lot of pressure, but stand up to that. Many who start early regret beginning so soon, even of those who really like sex now. Nearly all who wait have no regrets. You have your whole life ahead of you; you'll have opportunities throughout to engage in as much sexual activity as you want.
Wait until you find someone you care about, and cares about you. Wait a little longer to be sure. Watching the game from the sidelines before you get on the field really helps. Sexual activity isn't necessarily "bad"-- but it definitely can be if you screw it up. Have patience. If you stand by your dreams you will acheive them.
Sex may seem commonplace, but many couples are more interested in getting to know each other than seeing what they can do to each other. Sexuality is a big part of who we are, but it doesn't have to be expressed through sex. A romantic card can share the same thought, but you won't look back on the card with regret if it doesn't last.
We all view sexuality a little differently. However, if you wish to wait for someone special, someone you truly love and enjoy the presence of, by all means, do wait, and let this serve as inspiration to you. There is someone out there.
Technically, a "virgin" is someone who has never had sexual intercourse. However, as discussed in When Am I Ready?, virginity encompasses several ideas about waiting for all sexual activity--petting and oral sex included. But virginity isn't saying no to sex so much as saying yes to a full life.
Virgins don't think sex is bad; to virgins, sex is worth the wait. Most virgins plan on having sex; they're just waiting for someone special. Virgins are not frigid, non-sexual creatures from an alien planet. A virgin simply has not yet engaged in sexual activity.
We all have sexual desire. We express desire in different ways; virgins realize sexual desire doesn't have to be expressed whenever there is opportunity. While sexual activity can be an incredibly positive experience, virgins recognize it can be just as negative under the wrong circumstances. Think of virginity like going to college: yes, you can get a job with a high school diploma-- and college is harder, extra work-- but ultimately, by postponing satisfaction a little while (getting a job in this case), one likely ends up with something much better. Of course, virginity doesn't guarantee a good life, but it does promise:
Virginity can be difficult, but most would agree it's easier than teenage parenthood. And sexual purity isn't intended to last forever; however, it is important to wait until you are mature enough to understand. Although it can be hard to abstain, most find their experience worth the wait. This isn't so for those who rush ahead.
Besides, there are plenty of fun activities that aren't sexual: going to the movies, sharing a candlelit dinner, taking long walks on the beach, staring into each other's eyes, hiking at a state park, miniature golf, talking, kissing-- you will only get bored if you refuse to be creative.
Most people who start having sex are not in long-term, serious, committed relationships. Instead, they probably have dated about six months, are seriously curious about sex, and "love" the person (really just like, see What is love?). Unfortunately, after sex the romance disappears. These people discover their partners will have nothing to do with them.
Many teenage sexual encounters are unplanned. Often, at least one party isn't sure something is going to happen until it does. This is dangerous. Sexual activity should not be this way. Discuss all sexual activities with your partner prior to doing anything. This can be uncomfortable, but if it's too hard to talk about, you definitely shouldn't be doing it.
Sadly, many people say yes to sex because they don't know how to say no, or aren't comfortable doing so. You have every right to control what happens to your body. You are in charge of what happens to you. No guy or girl has a right to force you to do anything. You have a right to decide what you are comfortable with, and limit yourself to that.
Saying no is easiest if you don't get involved with people you have to refuse. If you take time to get acquainted first, you'll know more about each other, be closer emotionally, and deal with sexual pressure much easier. Of course, it's still probably best to avoid prolonged periods alone together-- if parents are home, just not in the room, no problem, but an empty house is an awful lot of temptation...
However, if you've taken time to really get to know each other, and respect each other, awesome. Enjoy your relationship! Too often we focus on getting things in life, forgetting to enjoy what we already have. (Hey, here's another reason not to have sex: many people think by engaging in sexual activity, sexual desire will go away. While short-term that may be true, long-term these people end up requiring increasing amounts of activity to satisfy them, and often feel even more sexual desire than before.)
Avoiding possible sexual situations with casual dating is a bit trickier, but it's still pretty easy: until you really know him or her, don't be alone together (in a car, a deserted room, or especially his house.) If you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation, you have every right to leave. No one has a right to force himself (or herself) on you, and you don't "owe" anyone anything, no matter what he or she has done for you or what he or she says. You have no business dealing with someone who thinks otherwise.
Clearly state your limits calmly but firmly. If he or she won't stop, do what you can to escape. Once you get away, break up with him (her). He or she doesn't share your beliefs about the preciousness of sex; this is unacceptable. He/she won't change. If he/she really respected you, he/she wouldn't have done it in the first place. There is someone out there who can appreciate you for who you are. Don't endanger yourself with someone who can't.
A lot of teens worry about "missing out" sexually, but making the most of every moment doesn't mean you need to fret about sex. Many virgins fear they'll die before they engage in intercourse, but think of the years ahead: sexual opportunity will not disappear. Only an STD can ruin your chances, and virgins don't need to worry about those.
The fear of "missing out" is caused by the perception that teenage sex is one big party. However, most teens are not having sex, and many who do regret it. Second, of those who do, look at their situations: often they have a long-term relationship with someone they love. Your situation may not be the same, and that's the heart of the issue: you're not in the same situation. With any subject as universal as sexuality, there are bound to be exceptions to any generalization. Yes, some teens enjoy sex-- but not as many as say so; many are "all talk and no game." Also, just because someone makes a choice that works for them does not mean it will work for you. Most teens don't have sex or regret it, and those who do enjoy engaging in sexual activity are usually in stable, committed relationships.
In life you will be tested by the great variety of beliefs in this world. Some will make you question what is true, and you must decide for yourself what is valid, but remember: what's good for others may not be good for you. If your life dream has been to wait for someone you love, but you get tired of waiting and decide to try casual sex, you will be disappointed. Don't sell out your beliefs. It's easy to get laid, if that's what you want-- but if you've set your heart on love first, only by waiting will you find happiness.
Sex can be something really big or really small. You get what you put into it. If your first sexual encounters are relatively anonymous, quick, and characterized by heavy use of drugs, they won't be very satisfying. If you discipline yourself and hold back waiting for the right person, you can achieve the sex of dreams.
How do you know when the time is right? If you plan on waiting for marriage, the answer is easy: marriage. However, this is not an acceptable choice for everyone. Does this mean you should have sex whenever? No.
It takes tremendous responsibility and maturity from the time your reproductive organs are ready to reproduce to the time you are emotionally prepared to use them. Sexual activity is like financial independence: yes, some teens are independent at 13, 14, or 16, but few of them are happy, and their lives are difficult. Of course, we all want to be independent sometimes, but we hold back because we know it's best to wait, and we will get our chances someday. Age does matter. There is an incredible maturity difference between 16 and 26, but at 16 you can't see that.
If you don't plan on waiting until you are married, it's still probably best to abstain from sexual activity during high school. Some couples can handle it, but many can't. Especially if you don't have anyone special, why give in? At the very least, be sure you won't regret it if you would happen to meet the person you really wanted to wait for later.
Even if you find someone you absolutely love, restrain yourself awhile (see What Is Love?). Make sure it's love. Learn to appreciate the little things. A kiss or innocent caress can be as intimate and fulfilling as something much more sexual. You can express yourself sexually without moving farther physically; just be creative. Don't fall into the "love is sex" trap. If you can retain and enjoy a loving relationship without sexual activity, not only will you appreciate sex more later in life, but you will be more successful in your future relationships.
Virginity may not be an easy choice, but it's certainly the wrong choice to make because somebody else says so. Virginity means respecting yourself and caring so much for your future partner that you want what's best for both of you and you're willing to sacrifice a few nonessentials for something much better. Virginity frees you from sexual worry and lets you make more choices in life; it doesn't hold you back. And there are plenty of other virgins out there: the majority, in fact, at least until college. But don't rush into sexual activity in high school, or especially junior high, because chances are, much later, you'll find out that by trying not to miss anything you really did miss out big.
Remember, sexual activity includes more than just sex (see When Am I Ready?).
The answer seems so simple: wait. Indeed, it is simple. But simple doesn't always mean easy. It's hard enough to say no to sex on your own-- we all have sexual desire-- but it's even harder to back down when society screams at us to say yes. Stand up to the pressure. It's your life. After carefully weighing the facts, decide what's best for you and stick with it. A lot of people sell themselves short sexually. If you want the best experience possible, if you want to share it with that most special someone-- go for it! But often sexual activity is not the way to "go for it"; it's just a distraction on the way to finding what you really want.
The question is not whether you'll have sex someday: if you want to, you will. The question is: with whom?
We all experience love differently, but though love shapes us many ways, it shapes us with the same style. While love can feel beyond words, there are some things to be said about it.
Love is great. Love makes life beautiful. Love makes life wonderful. But love isn't everything. Love makes difficulties more bearable, but love cannot solve your problems.
Love has two components: friendship and sexual attraction. Friendship is shared interests, day to day conversations, and a blanket of caring that warms you both. Sexual attraction is the physical charge between your bodies-- crushes, flirting, fantasy, and physical contact. It's the nervous feeling in your stomach before talking to the person, your heart beating faster the moment you see him or her, and the magic waves of emotion at his or her touch. Friendship is being able to talk about anything without fear of judgment and knowing he/she will be there for you.
Friendship makes love "true." Without friendship's caring, relationships are only sexual. While "zero commitment" may sound fun, it usually isn't. Once you start messing around sexually you want him (or her) to care, but if he/she didn't care to begin with, messing around will only make him or her care less. People generally don't respect "easy" catches. You control the balance between friendship and sexual attraction.
Love is not a good reason to have sex. Lust is the desire to have sex. A lot of teens think having sex "proves" feelings, but if you're truly in love, the "proof" is your love. "Making love" doesn't make love; going farther sexually just means you can't restrain yourself from your body's desires, and that-- lust-- is not love.
Sexual experience has different levels: first base, second base, third base, etc.. Love has levels, too, but unlike sex, you can't "go all the way" with love. Love betters with time. The longer you love, the deeper you'll love-- totally opposite from forever-changing lust. Love will be there twenty years from now. Lust won't.
Love is tough and secure. With love, little things don't upset you. Unike crushing when you stress every time your guy or girl leaves the room, with love you know he or she is coming back to you.
Hugging your loved one you feel warm and comforted-- not "I want to get you into bed." Sure, in love you have sexual desire, but friendship is more important.
Crushes are wild. You do stupid, embarassing things around your crush. Love is experienced. In love your heart is calm and comfortable.
Having a crush is wanting to be with someone all the time. Love is wanting to be with a someone as much as possible. The difference is subtle: with a crush, you want the person even though he or she has flaws; in love, you accept his or her flaws as a necessary part of who he/she is-- you wouldn't have him or her any other way. Of course, that doesn't mean you won't get mad at him or her or dislike certain things about him/her or even have a screaming fit on occasion. It just means whatever happens, you'll love him/her all the same.
Love is the most glorious of emotions, but keep things in perspective. Not everything you feel while in love is love. There's a lot of pressure to have sex. Stand up to that! Feeling you want a "slow," thoughtful romance is natural-- and good! Too often society trivializes commitment. Don't let this happen; you know what's important. Show the world enjoying love doesn't mean having sex.
Relationships are a big commitment in both time and effort, requiring responsibility and maturity. Of course, in many ways, this is great: you can spend time with someone you have grown to care for and who cares for you while learning about other people and growing socially.
Yet consider commitment carefully. Don't commit yourself because you're desperate to have someone in your life. Don't "fall in love" with someone who treats you badly because only he or she seems to pay attention. You don't need a boyfriend or girlfriend. If you can't handle living lonely, a relationship will make things worse, not better. You need to be able to live by yourself before you can live with others. You can't truly fall in love with someone else if you don't love yourself first.
We're eager to "fall in love" quickly, but what if you haven't found someone yet? Patience. Few people find real love during their teenage years. Love takes time.
But love is worth it! Imagine: someone who cares for you and knows everything about you and is willing to do whatever it takes to make you happy... Isn't that worth waiting for?
Don't pressure yourself to fall in love. You can't lie to your heart. You can't force yourself to fall in love any more than you can choose to like someone. Let nature run its course. Love will come in time.
Too often teens get jealous and make hasty (bad) decisions about romance. Because teenage life is the only life they've known, they falsely assume it's the only life they can know. Most things that seem a big deal now-- prom, cliques-- won't be issues later. Yes, you'll still worry about them, but put things in perspective: in the long run, little details don't matter.
A lot of times people look for love but settle for something else (sex). Love is hard to find if you're looking for it. With patience, though, it will find you! Waiting isn't easy, but it's better than settling for something else and being horribly disappointed. Teens who rush sex wonder "What's the big deal?" Teens who wait for love know what the big deal is. You will fall in love one day. Your choice is whether to wait or not.
If your relationship troubles you, maybe it's time to examine your situation more closely. Some things you can mistake for love are not.
Love isn't yielding to another's will. Some compromise is good, but submission is not. You shouldn't be sacrificing yourself. He or she shouldn't be hurting you. Love is NOT a reason to endure abuse. Love can be painful (as in the sense of missing someone you love or seeing them get hurt) but love is not an excuse to be hurt. No one who really loves you will pressure you to sleep with him or her, give him head (or eat her out), touch you where you do not want to be touched, or do any other thing you do not want to do. He or she will not insult you, call you worthless, or make fun of you. He or she will not laugh when you cry, and he/she will never hit you or cheat on you or talk bad about you behind your back.
Love is never an excuse for something bad; it is only a reason for something good. If you're in a bad relationship, get out. No one who really loves you will treat you badly, and you deserve love. It's hard to leave an abusive situation, but abuse doesn't get better with time; act now.
There is someone out there. Staying with someone who hurts will keep you from a guy or girl who loves you. Abusers often say, "I'm the only one who will ever put up with you; you won't get any better than me." That's a lie. The man or woman of your dreams awaits you. Dump this abusive loser to find him or her.
Jealousy is a common problem-- and a little bit is understandable; people are going to have a natural "protective" tendency triggered, and that's ok. However, if you feel trapped-- if this person starts to try to control your every move-- it's time to reconsider things. You don't want someone like that in your life. It's your life; you need to live it. Don't let anyone manipulate you.
Jealousy is like fire-- a little bit of heat can be nice sometimes, but too much is never good, and if it gets out of control you need to get away or you'll be burnt very badly.
Trust is the most important element in a relationship. Without trust, you have no ground to stand on. Loving, thoughtful conversations are an essential part of any relationship. If you feel uncomfortable talking with your partner about important issues, perhaps you should rethink things. Should you be with someone you can't communicate with?
Misunderstandings cause many problems. If something's wrong, speak up. You have a right to talk and be heard. If you are afraid to tell your boyfriend or girlfriend the truth, what are you afraid of? If you're afraid of him or her, you shouldn't be together. Everyone is troubled by guys or girls, but not like this; people in positive, healthy relationships are able to speak their minds freely.
The worst part of abuse is that it makes the victim feel responsible-- however, if you are abused, it is not your fault.
Hopefully you will never have to deal with abuse, but unfortunately, many do. If you are abused, you are not alone. There are many places you can get help, and you can read more about abuse. Please, don't hesitate-- I know it can be scary, but you don't have to live in fear. You can escape your situation.
Of course, if you are in love, wonderful! Just remember to take things slowly, and don't assume everything you feel while in love is love.
I wish you the very best.
Love is patient, love is kind.
It is not jealous, is not pompous,
it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests
it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury,
it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the
truth.
It bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13 4-8
Your first time can be the moment you've waited your whole life for or the night you wish never happened. Planning makes the difference.
Right now, think of your future: what do you want your first sexual experience to be like? Do you want to lay comfortably in a large bed laced with flowers, candles burning, sharing gentle, precious time with the person you love? Or would you rather be rushed in the back seat of a car, desperate desire grinding you together with some anonymous (though hot) guy or girl? Would you rather have a relationship with life, or a one night stand?
Many teens believe in waiting until marriage, for love, or even "just through high school." If you yourself are waiting, please read The Sexiness of Virginity. If you're considering sexual activity "that's not sex", please read The Sex That Is Not Sex This present article assumes you are strongly considering sexual intercourse and deals with practical preparation regarding the big issues: STDs, pregnancy, and commitment.
Of course, the most practical preparation for sex is to make sure you're ready. Far too many people rush only to realize it's not sex they want, but love. Love isn't found through sex. If you want emotional commitment, jumping into physical commitment will only backfire.
If you learn about sex before you get involved, determine what sex means to you, hold this view over a long period of time, find someone you care about who cares about you, and you're certain this is a good choice, and you take your time and use birth control, then your first sexual experiences will likely largely be positive.
However, that's a lot of work just to have sex. That's the point! You shouldn't be involved "just" to have sex; you should have more in mind when you enter a relationship than how much "action" you can get. Sexual activity is fun, but it isn't everything, and if you're emotionally messed up sex will probably make you worse, not better. Sexual relationships initiated solely for sexual pleasure end up being dissatisfying because people want to get attached; generally people would rather have sex with someone they love than isolated encounters with nothing but physical feeling.
Of course, when your relationship is more than physical attraction-- with love, trust, honesty, and mutual respect-- you still don't "have" to have sex. There is no need to have sex just because you have feelings for the other person. There are plenty of other ways to express your emotion, many more intimate than intercourse itself. The joy of love can be expressed in poems, flowers, walks, massages, kisses-- the beauty is in the love, not the specifics of what you're doing.
Everybody's curious about sex. We all have sexual desire, and in some sense we all "experiment" sexually. However, thinking about sex and actually having sex are two entirely different things; there is a world of difference between reality and fantasy. In fantasy, sex is always good: there may be some complications, but somehow everything works out in the end. However, mistaking fantasy for reality causes problems. Real sex has real consequences, and by neglecting those consequences in your behavior you can really get hurt.
Carefully evaluate your options before you decide to engage in sexual activity. Do some research! Throughout this article I've provided links to websites covering a broad range of topics in sexuality. If you're going to have sex, you should know what you're getting involved in beforehand.
Although you can catch STDs from oral sex, they are most commonly transmitted through sexual intercourse. There are many different STDs: HIV, gonorrhea, syphilis, and herpes are but a few. Complications of STDs include discomfort, pain, itching, puss, sterility, and death. Unfortunately, most STDs have few symptoms until the advanced stages. You cannot be aware of your condition until you get tested.
If you are going to engage in sexual activity, use protection. Condoms don't guarantee you'll be safe, but they are 100% better than nothing.
Discuss sexual activity with your partner before having sex. Know your partner's limits and insure he or she knows what you are comfortable with. You should know what kind of past relationships the person has had. Trust is important; if you can't trust him or her, you shouldn't get sexually involved.
If either of you have had partners before, trust is not enough. Both of you should get tested for STDs. Many STDs have no symptoms until the advanced stages; you may be infected and not realize it. If he or she won't get tested, ditch him (or her). It's stupid to risk your life over sex. Sex is not an excuse to play it risky; sex is reason to be extra careful.
Both condoms and the pill are effective at preventing pregnancy, especially when you combine the two methods-- but for any birth control to be effective, you must use it properly every time. However, simply having sex can make you pregnant; that is, after all, the function of our sexual organs. A baby is a tremendous commitment: could you handle a child in your life?
Every teenage girl thinks, "It won't happen to me." But it can happen the very first time you have sex, even if you only have sex that once. Don't trivialize sex; this is your son or daughter.
Abortion can be an option, but is it, really? A few girls think, "I'll use protection, and if the condom breaks or the pill fails oh well, I'll just get an abortion." Whatever your stance, know this: no woman of feeling has one lightly. Evaluate post-abortion counseling services and you'll see how difficult this can be. If you must, you must, but it won't be an easy choice. The easy choice is to restrain your sexual desire and wait until you're older and better able to provide for yourself. Adoption is always an option too, especially if the thought of abortion is very troubling but you have no way to keep the child yourself.
Discuss sexual activity before you get involved. If it's too uncomfortable to talk about, you shouldn't be doing it. If you don't trust your partner enough, you shouldn't be doing it. If you have doubts, you shouldn't be doing it. You should discuss sex before you start doing it. Even if you've had sex before, start a conversation. If your partner can't talk to you, you shouldn't be having sex with him or her.
When you are discussing sex, ask your partner this: in the event of pregnancy, what would he or she do? If you don't feel comfortable asking, or if you're not entirely satisfied with his or her response, you shouldn't be having sex. Sex is the most intimate act two people can share; you should only have sex with someone you trust.
In general, teenage guys leave their pregnant girlfriends the majority of the time. You want to make sure your partner (or you) really will be there and isn't just saying so to get you into bed, and you want to be sure that, just in case, you could raise a child on your own anyway.
Are a few hours of pleasure worth all this trouble? You can have a lot of fun just kissing-- and kissing won't cause pregnancy. There's always opportunity to have sex later. Why rush now?
Those who rush sexual activity are ultimately disappointed. The promised fireworks just aren't there. Why? Half the fun in sex is the journey; holding hands and kissing can be more important than ever having sex.
Sexual intercourse is the ultimate expression of love. You can get a few cheap thrills from a stranger, but being with someone you care about is infinitely better. Anyone can have sex; love takes patience. Sex is better with love. Many find by rushing to see it all, they missed everything that made sex worthwhile.
As a biological process, a man inserts his penis into a woman's vagina, thrusts, ejaculates, and withdraws. The woman may or may not have an orgasm. What's such a big deal about that?
Sex can be "just" sex, but it can also express love. Which would you prefer?
Approaching sex from a "get as much as you can" standpoint disappoints. If you want to have an incredible, life-changing sexual experience, abstinence is best until you find that special someone to share yourself with. Having multiple sexual partners "for fun" is not just physically risky; it's emotionally dangerous.
What do you want out of life? You decide who to have sex with, and when. You decide whether to be responsible; you decide whether to use protection. You decide whether bringing a child into this world is an acceptable risk. You decide whether sexual activity at this point in your life is right. You will decide many more times later.
Why rush sex? You have a bright future ahead of you-- why risk it now? Sexuality is wonderful, but it should be a slow, gentle unveiling. Trying to hurry breaks things. You have all the time in the world. Take it easy.
You're not going to miss out by not having sex early-- and having sex in high school or before is certainly early.
When you do have sex, make sure you do it for the right reasons. Sexuality is an extremely personal and extremely important part of who we are. It is in your own best interests to understand how your body works and functions emotionally. Sexuality is complex and cannot be contained in a single article; I have done my best to give you quality esources where you can find accurate information about your body and relationships.
Unfortunately, sex is surrounded by hype, and many things people say simply aren't true. Here we'll examine some of the most common myths.
Sometimes your crush doesn't feel for you, or care as much as you do for him or her. It's tempting to get sexual to make him/her more interested. Since he/she's your crush, you're fantasizing anyway, and it's better to have him/her want you sexually than not to want you at all, right?
Wrong. Getting involved sexually when you're not on the same page emotionally is the worst thing you can do. Having sex/messing around may be satisfying to him/her, and it may be fun for you, but you will also become more involved emotionally. You'll like him/her better and want a relationship more badly. He or she will enjoy the sexual activity for awhile, but then you'll have to go farther to keep his/her interest. Once you've gone all the way, it won't be too long before he/she loses interest and starts looking for someone else. You're left with a huge emotional commitment that isn't reciprocated. He or she walks away. Don't do this to yourself.
You can't make someone love you; you can only wait and try to find one who does. However, sex is not the way to look. Trying to find love through sex is like trying to find sunlight by digging a hole in the basement floor.
Find someone who really cares first; then consider sexual activity. Using sex as "bait" will only hook you, leaving the person free. Don't hurt yourself like this. You can find someone who truly loves you; you don't need to use your body to get affection. Look for someone who likes you first; find someone who respects you fully without sex as an option. Then you'll find love (for more about this, see What Is Love?).
This is the oldest line in the book. Of course people (especially guys) say this: over the years tricksters have learned by saying something "sweet" (I won't do anything you don't want me to; I love you so much I want to do this with you), they actually have a better chance of getting sex. However, this doesn't mean they care any more than those who simply demand it; they are just deceptive. Don't fall for it.
People who really respect you don't need to say so. They may reassure you when you're feeling down, but they won't push you sexually until you say "no" and then begin pressuring you again a few minutes later. They won't say "I love you" and then try to get their hands up your shirt (or down your pants).
Make everyone wait: the ones who truly care will stay regardless, and those looking only for a sexual "quick fix" will soon be gone. You deserve better than lying slime, but it's up to you to insist on that.
Some people use sex to rebel. They think by using their bodies as sexual weapons, they can gain power. Notching their belts like the bad boys, they are so cool, throwing off the shackles of their parents, churches, and indeed the entire institution of society. Or so they think.
Rebelling against your parents with premarital sex-- when they likely had premarital sex-- isn't that rather stupid? And having sex to prove yourself worthwhile to someone is just giving in. Sex is not a social statement; it's an intimate, personal act. "Rebellion" will only compromise yourself while submitting and conforming you to others-- the exact thing you're trying to avoid!
Why not be a real rebel and wait? Don't give in to your critics; hold out for the person who loves you, and refuse to settle for anything less. If you want people to envy you, few things are wished for more than virginity.
Have your rebellion; that's normal. But don't compromise yourself by trying to "prove" something. That just hurts you.
An older boyfriend or girlfriend can be great: he or she is more developed physically, more mature, wealthier (maybe), he or she can drive... Unfortunately, older boyfriends and girlfriends are usually looking for just one thing: sex, and they're less hesitant than their younger counterparts to get it.
Of course, not all older guys and girls are looking to score. However, most older people who treat their boyfriends and girlfriends well are dating someone their own age. Truly mature older guys date mature, older girls, and vice versa. Your best match is very likely someone your own age. Besides, it's hard to date someone three or more years older simply because of the experience gap.
There are some younger/older relationships that work. Unfortunately, most don't.
Some college students compete to see how many high school kids they can get. Of course, they're very sweet about it: they'll say how pretty you are, how much they like you, how special you are, and they'll buy you nice things, and maybe even say they love you-- but if you don't give them action, they'll start to complain. After all, it's not you they want; it's what they can get from you.
Is this the kind of relationship you want? Tell these jerks to take the hike they deserve. Look for a sweet person closer to your age. You'll be much more successful.
Sometime in our lives most of us get sex-crazy. Suddenly we are not content with what we've done, and we search eagerly for new sexual opportunities. We think "virginity: what's the big deal?" We become so curious about sex we don't care what happens; we just want to find what it's all about.
To jump into sexual activity just because you woke up aroused is a big mistake. The feelings are just a phase. Sexual experience affects a lifetime.
Don't lose your head just because you have strong sexual desire. It will pass whether you act or not-- but if you act prematurely, you may have many regrets. Spare yourself the pain.
People sometimes decide it's "time" to have sex, as if they're too old to be virgins. But virginity isn't about being a certain age; virginity is about waiting for someone who cares. Cares how much? That's for you to decide, but once you do decide, don't sell yourself short. You can have the person you want; sometimes it just takes a little while. That's an understatement. However, rushing with someone you don't care so much for will only leave a trail of regret. And that's the truth.
Ok, now you've got a relationship and it's wonderful and exciting and just what you've always wanted-- great! I am truly glad you have found happiness.
Here I focus on how to keep that newfound happiness: on suggestions to help you avoid the common pitfalls and keep things running smoothly.
First, I know how great it is to get involved in something new. There's that tremendous rush of just plain good feeling, and it is absolutely wonderful. Everything just feels perfect and awesome and like it's going to last forever...
But don't get too carried away. I know you may feel great, like nothing could go wrong, but don't hurry. Don't promise yourself to him or her forever. Don't say "I love you" just because; don't make plans to get married. Take it easy; give yourself several months.
Don't push too hard to be around your new boyfriend/girlfriend, either. Yes, it's great to have someone, but remember, most people like their space. They don't want you to be hanging off them all the time-- it's not a personal thing; it's just the way they are.
If you insist on holding his or her hand all day, oftentimes you'll find yourself dumped by nightfall.
Besides, you already have a life, right? Don't forget to live it!
Don't rush into sexual things, either. This is discussed in detail in The Sex That Is Not Sex, but for now it suffices to say you are very likely to regret it if you jump into bed right away.
Bottom line: take your time. There is no need to rush! If you hurry you're going to screw things up-- and why do you need to hurry, anyway? Don't you have a future together? If you're that scared of your relationship falling apart that you want to rush everything, maybe you shouldn't be together.
Take it slow. Take it easy. It will pay off.
There is only one consistent activity that separates couples that stay together from the couples that break up: communication. Simply, you need to get to know each other to the point where you can tell "What's up?" How you do this depends on the two of you: sometimes you can read each other; other times you have to explain what's wrong, but in any case it should be something that you're both comfortable with.
You need to be able to talk to each other. Nothing is more important. If you can't get your points across you have no relationship-- and you do need to talk, to get to know each other, because eventually that romantic feeling that you feel so much of now is going to dim-- it's not going to go away, but it is going to dim, and you need to have something to "fall back" on. Sex is not the answer. Talking is.
Now what about phone conversations? Understand that some people don't like to use phones. But something like "Oh, I was really busy, so I couldn't call..."-- that excuse is good once. You shouldn't bend yourself to his or her schedule unless he or she reciprocates and bends to yours.
The same line of thought applies if he or she takes forever to call you back.
One suggestion, though: if you're having problems, don't just yell at the person! Take the time to do it nicely first-- explain exactly what you want; make sure he or she knows what you expect. The person simply may not know what's important to you. He or she never will if you don't tell him or her! If you just scream, you might be punishing him or her for doing something he or she didn't know was hurting you! However, if you explain how you feel, the person actually has an opportunity to fix it.
And remember to cut your partner a break-- if you can see he or she is trying, compliment him or her, don't complain that he or she could do better! Some people think that boyfriends and girlfriends should just bend over backwards for them-- and some will do that-- but frankly, that's not fair. Relationships should be close to 50-50, half-and-half-- forcing someone to grant your every wish is no different from that person forcing you to do his or her bidding.
Don't just give your partner a hard time-- and if you do tease him, make sure he or she knows you're just playing. People are dense sometimes, and can't always tell if you're just joking or being serious. Don't make him or her guess.
On the other hand, if the person doesn't treat you well, make sure he or she knows that acting like a jerk is not acceptable. Make sure he or she knows what you dislike. If he/she doesn't change at first, remind the person, then tell him it's over if he/she can't make amends. Don't stick with someone that treats you like trash. There are always better people out there.
The biggest problem with people acting like jerks is being around their friends. For some reason, people just have to look "cool" in front of their buddies-- but this is no excuse! If he or she cares enough to be with you, he or she better be willing to sacrifice that "cool" image he/she has with his/her friends.
But, on the flip side, don't expect him or her to stop talking with his friends just because he/she's dating you now. People have a right to hang out with their friends just like you do with yours. If he or she's always with his friends that's a problem, but as long as he/she takes the time to see you, let him/her be. You aren't in control of his/her life-- and you shouldn't be.
Also, check the signs of abuse.
Long-distance relationships can be very difficult. Teenage dating is never easy, and it's especially hard when you rarely see each other (or never, as in the case of Interenet relationships).
In fact, dating long-distance is a lot like being single-- most of the time, you are going to feel lonely. It isn't easy. It's very hard to date someone so far away-- and because of that, I would generally recommend against getting involved in a long-distance relationship.
Dating is supposed to be fun. It's not supposed to be stressful. Too often, though, long-distance relationships sour-- you can't talk to him or her enough, you can't see him/her, you're lonely-- it's tough to deal with. It's a lot of pressure and a lot of work. Yes, it can pay off, but again, it's a lot of pressure and a lot of work to get there. This has to be something you really want or you will not succeed.
I'm not trying to wreck your dreams. You need to realize, though, that it's going to be hard. Dating long-distance is a big commitment. If you really like this person-- if he/she's the only one you want; if you feel really special around him/her-- go for it, but only if that's the case. If not, I'd stay closer to home. And still, in any situation, be careful. Even the best of couples can be ruined by stupid mistakes, and long distance only makes that more likely.
Moreso than "everyday" relationships, long-distance dating requires a serious commitment. In fact, it's such a huge commitment that if you have never been in a relationship before, I would STRONGLY recommend AGAINST starting your love-life with a long-distance situation. You don't want to go to all the pain to set this up only to have a bad experience and the whole thing collapse in two weeks. Make sure this is what you both want before you get involved.
In fact, because of the distance complications, I would recommend sticking to dating only people you already know-- people you're friends with, people you along with, and people you can trust. Yes, I know it's tempting to hook up with that person you just met over vacation or at the ball game who lives an hour away, but remember this: those good times you have in person are going to be pretty rare, and unless you really know him, you're setting yourself up to be used and heartbroken.
As written elsewhere on this site, it's much better to become friends first. Besides, that way you'll have a good idea whether the relationship will work or not anyway before you get involved and start going out (and that makes things a lot easier).
Of course, if you do become good friends, consider this: depending on how far away you live, you might be able to see each other only rarely (if at all), and so think about it: is that really worth a relationship? Often even if you really care about the person, you're only setting yourself up to be frustrated. And there's no sense ruining a good friendship for a fleeting love.
Of course, despite all I've said, you may feel that, against all odds, you still want to try this-- and to that I say, "Great!" Some long-distance relations do work, and there are some truly wonderful success stories. However, always remember that there are many more that don't work, and you must be mindfall if you are to avoid those pitfalls. Here I will warn you of a few of them.
First-- and especially in Internet relationships-- don't lie! I cannot tell you how many people have sent fake pictures, only to find out months later that, hey, they really like the person, and now they have to tell the truth somehow. Better just to not send the picture!
Relations are built on one thing-- trust-- and if you lie you destroy that. You can very well insure a breakup later (or at least a lot of pain) if you fib early on. Don't do this to yourself! Don't do this to him/her! If you're not comfortable answering a question, just say so!
Second-- and this applies to the relationships where you still get to see each other-- don't rush into sexual things. Sure, I understand kissing and making out-- but leave it there. Being in a long-distance relationship puts you in an especially dangerous position-- because you don't get to see him or her very often, you will have a great amount of sexual tension building up, and it will be easier than you think to lose control. Be on your guard that you don't.
Even at their best, long-distance relations are fragile. Throwing something wild like sex in will only jeopardize that. Everything in The Sex That Is Not Sex applies, and then some. Please, remember that even in the best situation, you are often striking a very uneasy balance. Don't tip it with something that will make it crash. Pushing too hard will only insure that you fall.
Third, when in a long-distance relationship, check yourself with reality once in awhile. Certainly you should never give up your social life in any relationship, but this is especially true for long-distance relations. Don't give up your friends for him or her. He/she's not with you most of the time, obviously, and you are going to spend that time with other people. He/she simply has to accept that.
Now some people are concerned that you may have friends of the opposite sex. That is understandable. However, if you are just friends-- and he/she'll have to take your word for it, because this is long-distance-- he/she'll have to get over it and accept it.
If you are around someone like this, be careful-- often, it is the people who can't handle you associating with others of the opposite sex that are most likely to use (and abuse) you sexually, physically, and emotionally. Certainly, not all those people do this, but it happens often enough that you should exercise caution.
Fourth and finally, make it a point to stay in the right frame of mind. Being in a long-distance relationship naturally leaves you more vulnerable to being confused than a "normal" relationship (and those are confusing enough). It is important that you stay in check with reality so that you don't develop unrealistic expectations.
Go out with your friends. Tell them about your relationship-- not everything, perhaps, but do talk about some of it with someone.
And don't expect it to last forever. Don't expect to get married, or for everything to magically work out in the end. And if things aren't working, be honest. There's no sense sticking together if you're only going to be miserable. If your heart isn't in it, give it up.
Yes, long-distance relationships can work out, but it takes a lot of time and effort to make that happen. If you're willing, go for it, but always keep in mind the dangers, and things should turn out all right.
A lot of people date guys and girls who do stuff they dislike, but when things become troublesome, these people rationalize their problems as "all guys (or girls) do that." Even though the relationship seems less than ideal, simply "having a boyfriend or girlfriend" becomes more important than having a good boyfriend/girlfriend. This kind of thinking can be very harmful.
Whichever example you choose, you always have at least one person on each side of the fence-- and usually a lot more. You can find someone strong who can treat you with respect, but if you're with someone who isn't good you need to have the courage to be single first. Yes, it's difficult to have the self-confidence to see that, but hopefully this checklist can help inspire someone to leave an abusive relationship.
Ditch the person right away. There is no excuse for him (or her) to hit/slap/grab/shake you-- ever. If you were playing around wrestling and it happened accidentally, that's understandable. If he (or she) got too angry and lost control, that's not. There is no reason to ever be with anyone who hurts you.
Sometimes people think, "Well, he (or she) loves me, and he/she's one of the few who does, so it's ok." It's not. If he or she is physically abusive, he/she doesn't love you. That hurts more, but hopefully through that pain you realize you must get away. Nothing good comes out of abusive relationships-- except you, if you get out.
It's very scary to leave someone, especially because you'll feel totally alone. Abusive people intentionally make you feel worthless without them. Don't believe the lies. Trust yourself. Believe you're a good person-- you are-- and trust you can find real love which doesn't hurt. You can.
There's someone nice for everybody. But the only way to find that good person later is to get out of your bad situation now.
Sexual abuse is just like physical abuse, except more damaging emotionally, and if it goes far enough you call it rape, not assault. But it doesn't matter how far it goes-- whether it's kissing, touching, oral, or sex, if he (or she) is doing it, and you don't want it, and you tell him (or her) no, he or she has to stop.
He (or she) controls his (or her) body; you control yours. There's no excuse for him/her to do things against your will. There's nothing you can do to "excite him/her" so much he/she isn't responsible for his own actions. Only your consent-- explicitly saying yes, while not under the influence of drugs-- makes anything ok. It's your choice. If it makes you uncomfortable, or you simply don't want to do it for any reason, you have every right to say no.
Clearly state your limits calmly but firmly. Make sure he or she knows what makes you comfortable. If the person won't stop, protest again, and if he or she continues to push, do what you can to escape. Fight if you can, but don't endanger your life. If you can't get away, and he or she forces sexual contact with you, that's rape. Tell someone. Yes, it's possible that girls can rape guys, even though usually it's the reverse.
If you do escape from him or her, don't say you're going to break up right away. Wait until you're safe at home, tell your parents, and then call for the break up. Don't get caught in a place where he or she could hurt you. People who push hard sexually are often physically violent. Don't become a victim.
Confront your fear, but not directly. Scaring you is the only way an abuser can control you.
If you fight occasionally, that's nothing to worry about; everybody gets into it once in awhile. If there are a few things about you that bother him (or her), though, and he or she's ALWAYS bringing them up, or he/she simply can't stop putting you down, now there is a problem. If he/she continually insults you, if he/she rarely compliments you, if he/she doesn't treat you the way you want to be treated-- dump him/her like the garbage he/she is. It doesn't matter how much he/she "cares" if he/she's always putting you down, because if he/she's putting you don't he/she doesn't really care. Don't be fooled by false tears.
Don't let him or her bullshit that he/she's a better person than you. It doesn't matter who he/she is, or who you are-- if you're in a loving relationship together, you're equals. No one should keep score on who's beating who. If he/she parades himself as superior, if he/she acts like he/she's too good for you-- let him/her go; he/she's not worth it. He/she doesn't love you; the person loves himself/herself, and he/she raises himself higher by pushing you down. Give this loser a reality check: do yourself a favor and break up with him/her.
Deal with name-calling the same way. If he/she acts like a jerk, he/she obviously doesn't care. No truly loving boyfriend or girlfriend seriously calls his or her boyfriend or girlfriend "bitch" or "slut" or "ho." Let him/her go, and make that decision final. When you trash him/her he/she may try to be sweet, begging for you to come back, promising he/she'll change, but don't fall for the lies. The only people who can really treat you right would never do that kind of stuff in the first place.
The same technique applies for jealousy: you should be able to date your boyfriend or girlfriend and still talk to other people. You should be able to get a hug from a male or female friend without him or her getting angry. You should be able to go somewhere without having to tell him or her exactly where you're going. He/she shouldn't accuse you of cheating without good cause. He/she shouldn't try to control your every move. If he/she can't handle being without you, he/she can't really handle being with you, either. This person doesn't trust you if he/she always has to grill you with twenty questions. But relationships are built on trust, so if this person doesn't trust you, you really don't have much of a relationship, at least from his/her side. He/she doesn't "love" you; he/she loves being in control. Drop your chains and get rid of him/her.
Gossiping about the person you're dating is a pretty dumb idea, but many people do it anyway. Don't take it. Now, in his or her defense, this is the least offensive of things on this list, but it's still bad, and it's still something you should say something about. Don't let it go-- tell him or her you disapprove, and it needs to stop. Dealing with problems later will be much easier if you start standing up for yourself now.
Let this person know early on he can't mess with you. You're tough, and when it comes to your body, you're in control.
No means no.
There are people who will treat you right-- people who would never make you think of looking at this list. But you won't find a person who heals if you stay with someone who hurts.
The Internet is changing the way people relate to each other. Unfortunately, there aren't many places where you can get advice-- online or off-- about Internet relationships and relationships on the Internet.
Online dating has gotten a bad name, but for a lot of teens now it's a new way of having a relationship-- and for many younger teens, their first dating experience may be online.
Although there are certainly some risks and things to be careful of when dating online, there are a lot of happy online couples who have very positive experiences.
In this section, I aim to cover the electronic aspects of teen dating and sex. So, instead of just focusing on Internet relationships, I'll also write about the parts of "real world" relationships that happen online.
Dating people online has certainly gotten a bad reputation over the years. Online dating is infamous for two things: 1) stalking and child molesters and 2) being really lame. While both of these objections have their merits, online dating can also be a very positive experience.
First, you do have to understand that there are a lot of perverts online. Because people think the Internet is anonymous (it's not), they think they can say and do what they want. Since you can say you are 15 years old when you're 30, there is no guarantee that the person you're talking to is who they say they are.
But while this can be dangerous, it can also be fun-- people only know what you tell them. So, if you're always made fun of at school for some embarassing mistake you made, or the way you look-- once you go online, nobody knows that anymore. And that's a great feeling, and can be a very positive experience-- you get to know people, and people get to know you, without any of the baggage of the past.
People who say all online dating is lame probably haven't tried it. Besides, there are plenty of lame dates in the "real" world. Relationships don't have to be about going places and doing stuff together; a healthy relationship can happen whereever conversations are possible between two people.
One of the most amazing aspects of the Internet is that you can easily reinvent yourself online. On the Internet, people primarily find out about you from what you tell them. Unlike in the "real" world, your first impression isn't usually how you look-- it's how you talk, or how your blog or MySpace looks. And that gives you a lot of freedom.
What kind of information should you put online? Well, before you add anything to the web-- a new screen name, a profile page-- heck, even registering for this website-- you should understand one thing about the Internet: once you put something up, it can be very hard to erase it.
Of course, most services like MySpace and Yahoo have "erase my account" features-- but, anyone else with a computer can make a copy of that picture/blog post/whatever you put up. And if they have a copy, they can put it up. Even something that you put up as a "secret" or "friend's only" on your website can be put up-- if one of your friends does it, or you accidentally hit the wrong setting by mistake. So, please be extra careful when posting personal information online.
A good general rule is never put anything online that you have to keep private.
Along those lines, many services (Yahoo, MySpace) ask you for a lot of personal information when you sign up. But you don't have to give it to them. As long as the information that you put in the form is valid, they will approve your account. So if a company wants your real name, or a zip code, just make up a name. And for your zip code, you can use any zipcode, like 90210 (yeah, Beverly Hills).
This is much safer than using your real personal information on everything, and the companies won't shut down your account because you put in incorrect information. So another good rule is, never give personal information to companies that you don't absolutely have to (instead, just make it up).
An exception to this rule is the year you were born. While you can fake the month and day of your birthday, many companies use the year of your birth to allow or block access to certain services, and they are often required to do this by law. For this reason, it's best to go along and put in your correct birth year when signing up.
Whether you use AIM or Yahoo or Skype or one of the many other IM services, or MySpace or FaceBook or other social networking sites, there are a lot of opportunities to meet new people online. A lot of the people you meet can be very interesting, and most of those that aren't you know right away that something is wrong.
The most important thing to keep in mind is that on whichever service you use, generally the information you put in your profile is publicly available. That means you should never put anything like your real name, address, phone number, etc. in your profile. Also, you might think twice before putting up pictures-- just make sure it's a picture you wouldn't mind everyone being able to access (and have a copy of).
When you're chatting with someone for the first time, giving out your a/s/l (age, sex, location) isn't really a problem as long as you remember two things: 1) you never really know if the other person is telling the truth and 2) when you give your location, just give the state, or the part of the country (midwest, west coast)-- not your hometown. If you want to exchange pictures, you can do that, too, but remember-- you don't really know who you're talking to. It might be better to talk with someone two or three times (or more) before exchanging pictures.
Once you get to know someone well, you may want to tell them more about yourself. This is normal, and fine, but keep a few things in mind:
Cybersex didn't exist 30 years ago when your parents started fooling around. It's too new for schools to cover it. So it's easy to get lost when you're trying to find out what it is and what to do.
Cybersex is "sex" but it's online. Two people find each other-- usually through chat rooms or instant messenger-- and they type sexual messages back and forth. There are specific chat rooms for this kind of thing, but if you use a major IM network you may be hit up randomly with this kind of request (often unwelcome). Skype in particular is bad about this.
Sometimes people just flirt. Other times people type messages to simulate having sex. Usually both participants masturbate as they type messages. Sometimes people exchange pictures or use webcams.
Most people who do cybersex do it with people they don't know-- strangers that they have never met (and never intend to meet). It's an easy and relatively safe way to experiment and try out sexual fantasies without actually putting one's body at risk. Also, since there is no real physical contact, there is no risk of pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases. Since it's basically just masturbating with another person, it's very safe sex.
Many people don't see the point of cybersex. Most of these people don't enjoy masturbating, either. Whether you are interested in cybersex or not, though, there are some things to bear in mind.
Everything we do in life has risks. For cybersex, here are the most important ones.
Phone sex is like cybersex except it happens over the phone. People say dirty things to each other, usually masturbating at the same time.
Unlike cybersex, people very rarely do phone sex with partners they just met. Instead, often people get to know each other over a period of several months before exchanging phone numbers.
Phone sex also enjoys some popularity among "real life" couples who can't see other for an extended length of time (for example, one is spending the summer in another state).
Phone sex is much more dangerous than cybersex. The reason is that some people you give your number out to practice phone stalking. Phone stalking means someone constantly calls you to harass you for sex and say perverted things.
Unfortunately, once you have given your phone number to someone, you cannot prevent them from calling again without changing your phone number, which isn't easy at all. Although cell phones usually have the feature to block calls from a specific number, a clever stalker will find other phones to call you from.
For people who have phone sex with many partners, it usually doesn't take long to run into a phone stalker. For this reason, I strongly recommend not engaging in phone sex while you live with your parents.
Instead, if you really want to have voice sex, buy a microphone and attach it to your computer. Microphones can be found for pretty cheap ($10-20). Then you can use most of the big IM networks (AOL, Yahoo, MSN) to have voice chat, but you only have to give out your screenname. As long as you use a special screen name for your sexual activities (instead of your normal screenname you give to most of your friends), if you run into any problems, you can just make a new screenname, and it will be much easier to get away from uncomfortable situations.
There's a lot of pornography all over the Internet. Many teenagers look at pornography. While curiosity toward sex is natural, it is important to remember a couple of things:
It sounds like I'm pretty negative on pornography-- and I am. Why? It's not that looking at naked bodies is bad; we were born naked-- how can that be bad? Rather, my problem with porn is that the pictures and movies are sold, and made for selling, and what they are trying to sell is cheap, irresponsible sex-- the kind that no one should really have. And to sell this cheap, irresponsible sex they make it look as good as they can, and they try to sell it to kids.
Now, looking at some naked pictures every once in awhile isn't going to damage you, but the problem is, kids can easily get addicted to pornography. Many teenagers masturbate more than once a day. If you masturbate several times a day, always to pornography, you are probably addicted.
I am not a medical professional, so I cannot give medical advice. But, what I can tell you is that if pornography takes over your life-- and it can, if you're using it several times per day to masturbate-- you need to get help. Talk to someone who can help-- preferably a doctor or a psychologist-- but you should consider telling your parents, too.
It's strange how the human body can become so obsessed with pictures and movies of sex, but it is an increasingly common occurrence. Unfortunately, the Internet makes pornography readily available every day to every one of the millions of people who uses it.
This article is still an early draft, so please add your comments at the bottom of the page.
Unfortunately, no matter how hard you try, sometimes things just don't work out. Obviously, if you still think things can work keep trying, but if you're constantly unhappy, perhaps it's time to let go.
How do you know when it's time to break up? You're not happy anymore. You don't want to be with him or her, and when you are you feel uncomfortable-- like something isn't right.
You may feel like you "owe" your boyfriend or girlfriend something, but what you really owe them is your honesty. Even if you're with the greatest person in the world, if you're unhappy when you're with him or her, eventually he or she will catch on, and that you were unhappy and still stayed will hurt the person more in the long run. Don't think you're doing anyone a favor; you're only hurting both of you more.
If there's someone else in the picture-- well, take it easy for your ex's sake (assuming your ex didn't cheat on you).
Now generally, breakups are not the violent "I hate you and hope I never see you again" that we so often see on television-- thankfully, because those are the worst kind. However, most breakups are painful.
If you struggle, you will hurt more. If you accept that it's going to hurt, it won't hurt so much. And, in the long run, if you're unhappy, breaking up is for the best.
Of course, just because all breakups are painful does not mean they all hurt the same. Here are a few suggestions for minimizing the hurt (note that these suggestions assume you are not on extremely bad terms with the person you want to break up with):
Now the above suggestions only apply if you still care about each other, and you treated each other right. If abuse was involved, the situation is much different.
There is no need to retaliate. If your ex spreads rumors about you, only idiots will believe them. There's no need to get upset and try to fight to save your name; often, if you do, people will only think you're trying to cover something up. So let it go. Striking back will only draw the pain out. Besides, the people that really do care about you will take the time to get the facts straight, and the rest don't matter.
Usually you can handle things on your own, or with the help of your friends. However, there is one situation where you do need to seek help. If he or she seriously threatens you-- or if you're not sure whether he's (she's) serious-- you need to tell someone. Yeah, it may seem embarrassing, but don't let it be-- he's the one that's done something wrong, not you! There is nothing you can do that makes it "okay" for anyone to threaten you. You having to live in fear is never "okay."
Who can you talk to? Hopefully your parents can be of help, but if they're not available-- or they won't listen-- ask a teacher, a religious leader, a friend's parents-- heck, anyone you can, just someone that will listen and will see to it that you are protected. If it's really serious, call the police. Don't be afraid to ask for help.
If you were the one that broke up with your ex, at least you can say that he or she wasn't making you happy anymore and the time for your relationship was over.
What happens, though, when you were happy to be with your ex, and you didn't want things to end-- and yet he or she goes and breaks