Not in a relationship? Want to be in one? Here's my advice.
When you're little you get silly; you whisper to your friends you "like" this boy or girl and tell them not to tell anyone-- later, when one of your friends inevitably tells the class, you blush and try to deny it.
When you're in your teens it's much the same, except now you're too embarrassed to be silly and you really do get angry with your friend for telling.
But crushes are a playful thing; they are supposed to be silly. Don't take them too seriously.
Together, junior high and high school give you a good six (or seven) years to start getting to know yourself. It is a time where you can experiment with who you are, what you like, and what you do. You have a lot of freedoms, one being you can like whoever you want-- and, if you're like most of us, you'll have quite a few crushes before your schooling ends. After all, crushing on different people is part of growing up. You're learning what you like (and don't). It's natural to have feelings for all sorts of characters.
However, just because you have feeling doesn't mean you should act on it. We have many feelings in life that shouldn't be acted on. If you're angry and you feel like killing someone, we all know we shouldn't really kill them. Of course, love isn't murder-- usually, we hope :) Sometimes, though, we forget that just because you get really horny, or really lonely, you don't actually need someone-- and having that someone will not necessarily cure your problem.
So there's someone you've been crushing on for quite some time. You have a feeling the person might like you, but you're not sure. You might be waiting for them to ask you out. But why wait? Just ask yourself!
Many people are shy-- chances are, you and your crush are both in the same situation. You've given some signs; you've noticed some signs. But maybe the other person isn't catching on. It's time to speak up.
Of course, it's hard to take that first step. You have to ask yourself: is it worth the risk? Only you can answer that.
It's especially hard when it's someone you've been friends with for a long time. You don't want to ruin the friendship. And if you ask the person out, well, things could go wrong. But what's the worst that could happen? If you've been friends for a long time, it's very rare to completely stop being friends because-- what? you like the other person. And of course, if the other person has feelings, too... Well, it could be quite a great combination.
How do you ask? It can be dramatic; it can be simple. Remember though-- less is often more. If you plan too hard you're only going to be disappointed. Just do what you're comfortable with. If you're too embarrassed, or don't trust your voice, write a note-- but give it in person (you don't have to stay around for it to be read, though). Don't call or use e-mail, though; it's too impersonal.
Popping the question can be scary, but if you already know the person-- and you have taken time to get to know your crush, right?-- you should have some idea of whether your feelings are reciprocated. Now it's time to confirm.
At least start a conversation-- that's not too hard. Say "Hi", ask how the day is going-- if you can't think of anything, ask for help with your homework! Just do something-- start talking-- and take your time.
You may find someone you thought was really cute is actually very disagreable. But that's good-- you've saved yourself a lot of trouble! You didn't get rejected; you don't have any emotional pain-- and, now that you've approached your crush and realized he/she's not what you thought, your feelings will probably go away pretty quick.
Do you want to look back on life and wonder "What could have been?" Of course not! If you're good friends, ask away, and if not, get to know the person better-- but don't just sit there!
It can be hard to tell if your crush likes you. Most people are shy. Before you try to find out, however, ask yourself: "Is this a relationship I want to be in?"
It makes sense to want to go somewhere before you get in the car and start driving. Make sure this relationship will make you happy. Don't date someone just because all your friends are dating someone. Don't do it because someone else says you should; if you don't feel attracted to the person now, those feelings probably won't develop later. Don't do it to get revenge; you'll only end up hurting yourself. Be true to your own heart.
Do you see yourself with your crush in the future? Do you want a future with this person? If you don't, should you really be dating him or her?
Today "serious" relationships have a bad reputation as sterile, formal situations that aren't fun at all. But a "serious" relationship with someone you love can be quite a lot of fun. It's serious not as in marriage, but as in serious about each other-- enough to confide in one another your hopes and fears, your dreams and your disappointments.
Of course, thinking long-term, be careful not to get carried away. Don't wrap yourself so tightly you can't unwind when it's all said and done.
That said, if you're serious about dating but don't know if he or she likes you, there is a list of signs that can help you tell.
First, remember no list is comprehensive. You have to use your brain. Look at the cues he or she gives you, and, if you know him or her well enough, you should be able to tell at least partly what he/she is thinking. Does
it add up?
One warning: do NOT have your friends ask if he or she likes you.
This is the absolute worst thing you can do. First, it shows
you are a coward. NO ONE likes a coward. If you don't care enough
to ask the person yourself, you don't really care that much--
that's what he or she will think. Second, he/she won't tell your friends the
truth anyway. Save
yourself the trouble and ask on your own.
Hopefully now you have some idea whether he or she likes you or not,
although you might be confused if you're very close friends, and in
any case you're still probably wondering how to know if the person likes
you for sure. Well, you're in luck-- there is one surefire
way to tell if your crush likes you, and it works every time.
What is the secret? The secret is:
The beauty of this secret is that it can be applied by anyone, anywhere, in any situation. But it takes a lot of time and work.
I know you want an easy way. But if there was an easy way, someone would have found it by now and they'd be telling everybody, and everybody would be doing it. There is no easy way.
What is this incredible secret? I bet you think it's really lame. The secret is to be yourself.
It doesn't seem to be a secret at all, really. But we often forget that honesty is a huge turn-on. Do you want somebody who likes you because you're trying to be someone else? Heck no-- you want someone who likes you for who you are!
Do you want to be fake? Do you want someone to fall in love with you, then realize you're not the one he or she fell in love with-- the person fell in love with whoever you were pretending to be?
There is no way to dress, act, talk, or walk except your own. Don't settle for someone else's version of your life! Get the real deal.
Live the life you've always wanted! Ever thought it would be nice to have somebody who was _________? You can! Stop listening to the people that shoot you down and start living life your way.
Ever wanted to try something, but never could because someone said it was stupid or you'd never be good at it? Forget them! If you want to try something new-- something you-- go for it!
Frustrated by what somebody "expects" from you? Lose them! Be who you are-- do what you want-- and let them like or dislike you for that.
But "being yourself" isn't easy.
As it turns out, there are a lot of problems with the "be yourself" theory:
I understand how you feel. There's a lot of crap out there about how you can change your life a little bit (be yourself, or, be 'more' of yourself) and then suddenly you'll have girls and guys everywhere begging you to go out with them. That doesn't happen, so let's get real:
Teenage life isn't particularly straightforward. Your body changes, and as you mature you develop new and different types of feelings for all kinds of people. You have many different types of crushes during your teenage years. Some of these are good to act on, some aren't. But you obviously can't date everybody you crush on-- but if you could, looking back, that would probably be worse. Sometimes limits are a wonderful thing.
As people grow, their feelings do the same roundabout transformation. They "love" you one week, they "hate" you the next. But that's not really love or hate: that's just crushing, the mindless firing of the nerves and hormones.
The awful truth is that it's hard to get a good boyfriend/girlfriend. Obviously-- if it was super easy, wouldn't almost everybody? So what separates those who have great partners from those who don't?
Being yourself is a start. Yeah, you may think you're too outspoken, or shy, or ugly-- get over yourself. There's nothing "cool" about hating your body. You shouldn't think you're God's gift to men or women, but you shouldn't be hating on yourself, either.
If you don't like who you are, fine-- do what you can to change it-- but don't lie. Don't fake it. Don't change because somebody else wants you to. Do it for yourself.
Great boyfriends and girlfriends aren't easy to find, but you can make the search easier or harder on yourself. It hinges on where you choose to look.
For example, you're looking for the perfect partner. Do you think he or she is more likely found
A. at a dance, where you "hook up" for a few hours and exchange numbers
B. falling out of the sky, at just the right moment
C. in a friend, a someone you've known forever and grown to care for
Note that you *could* find the perfect partner in all three of the above situations. It's incredibly rare, but possible, that the guy or gal you hook up with for a one-night stand ends up being your soul mate. It's even rarer, though still possible, for someone to parachute into your life with a proposal. But it's a lot more likely you fall in love with a friend, or at least someone you know well.
On the other hand, you can look too hard for the perfect person. If you have a huge checklist of all the things your lover needs to be, take a hard look at that list. What's really important? Is loyalty? Honesty? Blue eyes?
Let's be honest here: who are you as a person? Are you this total dreamboat, perfect in every way? Your body, your personality, your character-- all without a single flaw?
No, of course not. So don't expect the one you date to be perfect either. But are you honest, caring, and sincere? Then look for someone who's honest, caring, and sincere. Opposites attract initially, but those who feel the same on many things stay together a lot longer.
There is no magic potion to make people fall in love-- and I assumed when I wrote this article that you were actually looking for a serious relationship, not just a casual fling. In fact, through this whole website I assume your goal is to find someone you love and care about, who loves and cares about you.
If you're just looking for something casual and carefree, the rules are different. You don't have to try as hard. You can be fake and get away with it. But in the end, a few weeks later, you're left with less than what you started with.
A real romance keeps giving back in memories long after you and your partner have said goodbye.
Rome wasn't built in a day. And it isn't easy to "find yourself"-- it's a lifelong process. However, if you work at it, you can find someone who likes you for you.
Of course, sometimes discovering yourself can be difficult. Try keeping a journal. You can do it at home, in a notebook, or you can try putting a journal online.
Most "life planning" advice can be summarized into a single expression: Do what's important now.
It may sound simple, but that doesn't mean it's easy. How often do you think, "I should've handled this differently," or, "I shouldn't be so mean," or, "I should get to know my mom better"-- how many times do you think those thoughts, and yet not do those things? Sometimes the simplest things are the trickiest.
A life of regrets is a bad life. A life of action is a good one. Now just because you act doesn't mean you'll do the right thing-- you'll screw up plenty-- but if you never act, you'll never know, and if you never do, you'll never have a chance. So what if you mess up? Try again. Do it differently-- but don't just give up. If you don't act, nothing will ever get done.
Whether you think you can or can't-- you're right. --Henry Ford
What do you do? As a teen you have a lot of free time, and there are the traditional activities: school, sports, TV, friends, and church. If you're happy with what you have, great, but if not, take a look around. See the suffering in this world: your friends, your family, the hungry, the homeless... Isn't there something you can do?
A lot of times you see an opportunity but you put it off because it would be "too hard" or "too much work." Don't make that mistake. Follow your heart in all you do. Sure, one person can't do it all, but one person can do enough-- enough to make a difference.
The work you do doesn't have to be big to be good. A lot of times you see a huge achievement and think, "Well, I'd like to do something like that, but I'd never have the time." That's not true! No one sits down and does a big achievement all at once. Those that do great things just do little things consistently.
The journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. --Lao Tzu
If you have a large task, break it down. Take it day by day. You can't do it all at once anyway, so it's a lot easier to look at what you can do now rather than stare immobilized at the whole thing.
If you live for the future you're going to be unhappy. Live in the now; don't worry about what is to come. You don't decide what happens in life; you decide how you react to it. Be mindful of where you are, make the best choices you can, and always do what you think is right. That is the path to happiness.
In your life, you should feel that you have time to yourself. If you're always busy, that's a problem. What are you doing that you don't need to be? Even if you're only doing things you love, if you feel bad about life you're doing too much. Give something up. Only by letting go will you find the way.
There is a modern idea that being busy is a virtue-- that somehow, when you don't have time for yourself or anybody else, you're doing the right thing. Wrong! Wake up! If you don't have time for yourself or anybody else, why even bother being alive?
Take time to yourself every day. What you do during this time doesn't matter, but set aside at least fifteen minutes daily to collect yourself. Keep a journal, pray, listen to music, meditate-- do what relaxes you. If you work too hard without taking a break, you'll lose sight of who you are and what you should be doing.
What do you want to do when you grow up? Don't know? Neither do I! Questions like that are loaded. You can't determine the future.
Guys are only interested in girls that have big boobs and a tight butt. Girls only want guys that play at least three sports, and are good at all of them. Guys never care about deep conversation, and they certainly don't have any non-superficial feelings. Girls have to wear makeup to be attractive.
There are a lot of superficial people, sure. But what about the rest of us?
It's hard to find the right person for you, but you can make the search easier on yourself. It hinges on where you choose to look.
Pop quiz: you're looking for the perfect match. Do you think he or she is more likely found:
A. at a dance, where you "hook up" for a few hours and exchange numbers
B. falling out of the sky, at just the right moment
C. in a friend, someone you've known for awhile and grown to care for
You *could* find the perfect person in all three of the above situations (in my case, it was B). It's incredibly rare, but possible, that the one you hook up with for a one-night stand ends up being your soul mate. It's even rarer, though still possible, for someone to parachute into your life with a proposal. But it's a lot more likely you fall in love with a friend, or at least someone you know well.
Unfortunately in romance, doing all the right things is no guarantee of success. Love is unpredictable. But that means you have to decide what you want. Don't settle for less.
On the other hand, you can look too hard for the "perfect" person. Making lists of everything you want is-- let's face it-- pretty immature. Think about what you really want-- honesty, loyalty a good body-- and take the time to figure out what that means for you. When should you be honest in a relationship, and when shouldn't you? The questions apply to you as much as to your partner.
If you're still having trouble with perfection, think of it this way: who are you as a person? Are you this total dreamboat, perfect in every way? Your body, your personality, your character-- all without a single flaw?
No, of course not. So don't expect your date to be perfect either. But are you honest, caring, and sincere? Then look for someone who's honest, caring, and sincere. Opposites attract initially, but those who feel the same on many things stay together a lot longer.
There is no magic potion to make people fall in love-- and I assumed when I wrote this article that you were actually looking for a serious relationship, not just a casual fling. In fact, through this whole website I assume your goal is to find someone you love and care about, who loves and cares about you.
If you're just looking for something casual and carefree, the rules are different. You don't have to try as hard. You can be fake and get away with it. But in the end, a few weeks later, you're left with less than what you started with.
A real romance keeps giving back in memories long after you and your partner have said goodbye.
No, true love isn't easy to find, and it takes a long time. Love takes a long time. Rome wasn't built in a day. And it isn't easy to "find yourself", either-- it's a lifelong process. However, if you work at it, and you stay true to your own heart, you can find the one who likes you for you.
Being single can be difficult, especially when most of your friends have/have had somebody. But there's nothing wrong with being single; it's much better to feel occasionally lonely then to spend time with someone who doesn't really care about you.
Looking at other people's relationships, you often see only the positives, but even the best relationships have some drawbacks. There are pros and cons to any situation.
Loneliness is difficult-- it's almost worth it to get into any relationship, any relationship at all-- but it's not. Learning to live with yourself is one of the most important lessons during your teenage years. When you can accept you're not always going to have someone in your life, things will get better, you'll have more self confidence, and when you finally do find someone, you'll be able to appreciate your relationship that much more. Besides, if you always are in a relationship, even with people you don't particularly like, how is the one you truly want ever going to find you?
Instead of feeling lonely, go out and do things you like to do. And then when you meet guys/girls with similar interests, talk to them! To get involved with someone you care about, get involved with something you care about. Of course, you won't necessarily date them, but get to be friends: having friends is a great way to show yourself that yes, you can talk to the other sex.
Boys (or girls) may be on your mind a lot, but don't let them dominate your life. If the opposite sex is all you can think about, things are out of control. Put "romance" on the back-burner for a second. Find your own heart first; then look to connect to another's. Make sure your own life is in order before you start trying to enter someone else's.
Enjoy what you have! There's nothing glamourous about always having a boyfriend or girlfriend. There's nothing great about always being "taken." Really, it's kind of pathetic that so many people "need" a partner to feel self worth. Don't be taken in by this crap. You are your own person. Value your own life. You don't "need" anybody to give your life meaning.
If you enjoy casual relationships without any real commitment, fine, but if you are upset because you can't get a serious relationship, look at what you're doing. What kind of people are you going after? You can't just "have a serious relationship" because you want one. It's a lot of work.
Without some time to be alone you'll never develop who you truly are. Yes, we find ourselves in others, as the saying goes. But we can only find ourselves if we recognize who we are, and the only way we can do that is on our own, by ourselves.
Society makes relationships such a big deal it's no wonder teens fret and fear being single. Besides, it's a natural desire to want to be in a relationship. But that doesn't mean you have to be, or even that you should be!
Plenty of people go through relationships like Kleenexes. Of course, some think a bit more carefully and realize that it's probably easier and more effective in the long run to just get a handkerchief. Yes, a handkerchief is a bit more costly, but no longer do you have to worry about where that next tissue is going to come from. The handkerchief will be there. (Still, sometimes handkerchiefs need replacing. But I'll stop here.)
Listen carefully to people who go on and on about how great their boyfriends or girlfriends are. Sometimes, the person has a truly caring, sweet boyfriend or girlfriend who loves her and works hard to make her happy. This person may genuinely be in love-- but chances are, that boyfriend or girlfriend didn't fall out of the sky.
Then there's that person who has a new date every week or two. Cynical people might say that these people are only pushing their own feelings of insecurity off on everybody else, and the only way they can feel secure is because they can get attention from boys/girls. When these people talk about love, they generally don't know what they're talking about. What does it mean to be in love after two weeks? Besides, if you date that many people, you're probably too caught up in yourself to get to know your partners.
Here's the difference: the first person thinks his or her date is great, while the second thinks dating is great.
Ideally we could always date someone really sweet who could connect with us on a deep level but still share in all the fun besides. Unfortunately, this is rarely possible. So we're given a choice-- do you date people you don't care about so much, or do you wait for someone you really like?
Before you start dating, ask yourself: "What do I want out of a relationship?" Dating "just because" that's the thing to do isn't going to make you happy. Dating because you're tired of being single will be a change of scenery, but it won't solve your loneliness problem.
You choose whether to date for serious involvement or fun, but don't confuse the two: you can't have love in a fling and going long-term won't always be light-hearted fun.
You won't (and shouldn't) know everything about your partner before you start going out, but you should know something. Getting to know each other before you get involved will tell you volumes about whether you're compatible or not, while also sparing you from jumping into a relationship that wouldn't work. Especially if you want a serious relationship, get acquainted before you start dating-- besides, how can you know you want to be serious when you don't even know $him?
In life, obviously, you'll probably be in both kinds of relationships: serious and casual. But you don't have to start in high school. You have plenty of time. In the great scheme of things, high school isn't really important. Plenty of normal, highly successful, romantically successful people never dated in high school. But boy, are there a lot of ways to screw up if you do.
Here's a big secret that most people figure out sooner or later: the people who value looks most are the only ones you don't want to get involved with.
I'm not saying looks aren't important. They are. What I'm saying is there's no such thing as a perfect body, and there's no reason to make drastic changes to your own.
There's no girl every guy likes, and no guy every girl likes (no guy every guy likes, no girl every girl likes). Everybody has other people who like them, and nobody has everybody like them.
And I'm not talking "despite your looks, I like you for your personality." No, I mean, "Wow, you have a hot body!"
We're too eager to set standards for what looks good and what doesn't. But the fact is, we all prefer different things. Don't be taken in when people tell you have to dress a certain way, or act a certain way, or that "well I'm sorry, you'll never have somebody because you're just too plain ugly!" Chances are, the person who told you that was too cold-hearted to ever get in a decent relationship.
You can spend your life trying to fake being someone else, working hard to be who you're not, fighting every day the desire within your heart to be you. Or you can tell society to shove it and celebrate who you are, be beautiful (or handsome), and enjoy your life because dang it, it's your life, and you only get one shot.
If you don't like the way you look, and you want to change, fine, but do it for you, don't do it for somebody else. If you decide you need to slim down to be healthy, that's perfectly acceptable. But don't starve yourself because some dick thinks you're fat.
Regardless of your looks, there will be people who will be attracted to you. There probably already are; there's a lot of shy people out there who will never say anything. Of course, hopefully attraction won't be the sole basis of your relationships.
Contrary to popular belief, younger does not equal better. In society we like to downplay differences, but there is a huge gap between 14 and 20.
Lots of people say, "Well, I'm mature for my age," and if so, that's great! But there are two kinds of maturity: behaving maturely and being mature. Behaving mature requires a quick mind and an ability to act "beyond your age." These are good skills, but to actually be mature requires life experience-- years lived-- that you simply don't have at 14, 15, or 16.
You have plenty of time to develop relationships later in life. Now is the time to find yourself-- not to be looking for someone else.
If your parents disallow you to date until a certain age, don't worry-- you're not alone, and you'll have plenty of opportunities later. Besides, dating at younger ages isn't much fun-- what can you really do at 14, anyway? Many aren't allowed to date until they're 16. At 16 you can drive a car, so this seems pretty reasonable to me, comparatively. Of course, if your parents say 18, that's tough. But it's not the end of the world.
If you take lessons learned while single to heart-- you can survive by yourself without a relationship, for example-- you'll be much more successful later in your relationships. Of course, that means you have to learn the lessons from being single, which means you're going to have to be single for awhile. But being single is fun! If you don't think so-- if you can't have fun by yourself-- how are you ever going to have fun with others?
Take some time and find out who you are. Boys and girls can come later. There's no sense dating someone only to find out you're somebody different. Save yourself the trouble and do that first.