When little, many of us fantasize about growing up and getting married. Granted, we don't understand, but most newlyweds probably don't fully understand, either. Experiences often differ greatly from imagination. Yet even from our smallest, we have some basic ideas about love, romance, and the way things should work.
During our teenage years we grow intellectually and reconsider our foolish childhood views, but, more importantly, recommit to the values we truly cherish. Of course, staying true to your beliefs is very difficult when you're unsure precisely what you believe, and teenage years are notorious for confusion. But no one can make these decisions for you. Others can help, but you must challenge your own ways of thinking. You must discover how you really feel so you can feel that way. You'll make mistakes, sure, but only working towards what you truly believe will make you happy.
In life, transition periods are marked by big changes. From childhood to the teenage years, sexuality is one of the "big changes." Unfortunately, society divides us with two opposing messages: "just say no" from our schools and churches, and "just say yes" from our friends, television, and magazines.
Who do you trust? Churches have our best interests at heart, but religious institutions can feel outdated. They didn't have birth control then; we have condoms now. Besides, there are plenty of sexual activities besides intercourse, and the religious stance has never been very clear on them.
Magazines and television make sex look really good. Special effects make movies look really good. But do things really happen that way?
Sexual intercourse implies childbirth, and the possibility of pregnancy requires responsibility and maturity well beyond what most teenagers are capable. Yet sexual activity is not limited to sex; masturbation, petting, and oral sex are all forms of sexual expression.
The majority of men, and many women, masturbate. Scientifically masturbation has no ill effects; it is a positive way to relieve stress and explore sexuality. Learning about your body alone better prepares you for sexual relationships with others, and masturbating can help pass time while you're waiting for the right person. Definitely masturbation is physically and emotionally safer than interpersonal sexual encounters. If you have personal or religious objections, by all means, follow your convictions, but know there is nothing medically wrong with the proposition.
Masturbation excepted, all sexual activity involves other people. The dilemma: which people? What's just fun, and how far is too far?
Kissing-- specifically, making out-- has been the accepted hallmark of the teenage generation for some time. Most people don't have a problem with it; why should they? The "big deal" in kissing is being with someone you care for, not risks, but avoid the temptation of cheap thrills. Kisses should be special; making out because it feels good often doesn't feel so good later. "Needing" someone to satisfy you is an illusion caused by poor self-esteem. Secure your own heart before seeking another's. Sharing precious moments with someone you've grown to love is one of the joys of life; making out with a person you met six hours ago is just sleazy.
After some time couples begin to consider other activities besides kissing. "Heavy petting" (handjobs, fingering) is often a consideration. But how long should you wait? What are the risks?
With heavy petting, STD transmission is possible, as with any exchange of body fluids. Pregnancy is not a risk, unless somehow semen makes contact with the vagina. But, beyond biology, examine this emotionally. Intimate touching can be every bit as involved as intercourse itself.
We wear clothes for a reason. We don't bare our private parts because they're supposed to be private. This is not because they are "bad"; we conceal them out of modesty, and part of modesty is saving special things for special people. Sexuality is very special indeed. This contradicts "If you've got it, flaunt it"-- but ask yourself: what does flaunting prove? Regardless of your appearance you will attract people; however, are the guys you attract by looking slutty the guys (or girls) you want? Why not hold yourself high and win someeone who's worthwhile?
If he or she gives a rose to everyone, it's nothing special, but if he or she only gives a rose to you...
Relationships are like gardening: if you cut the flower and put it in a vase (take all you can sexually)-- the flower will be nice and pretty for awhile, but soon it will be brown, ugly, and dead. It won't be long before you have to replace the flower, change the water, and clean up the flakes from the last dead bloom. How many flowers will you go through before you find one to keep? Is that something to be proud of?
However, if you momentarily forget your own wants and attend to the flower as a whole, giving it water and shielding it from the elements-- why, the entire plant will grow larger and more beautiful, blossoming more than ever before.
We are sexual beings, but just because we feel sexually doesn't mean we have to act on those feelings. You can be sexual without sexual activity. Under the right circumstances, "innocent" kissing can be as gratifying as intercourse itself. More depends on how you view sexual activity in your mind rather than what you're actually doing. Sexual expression doesn't have to be intercourse, oral sex, or petting; it can be "merely" kissing, masturbation, or a sexy dress.
Many teens think sexual gratification comes only through increased sexual activity, and this is unfortunate. You can't appreciate the little things in life (kisses) if you're always concentrating on the big things (sex), but there are far more "little" things than big, and it's a shame to find yourself unable to enjoy them.
It's very easy to jump into sexual activity in a short period of time. It's very hard to abstain over a long period of time. But look at the benefits: short-term sexual relationships usually end as quickly as they begin, but with tremendous emotional fallout. On the other hand, long-term, committed relationships with mutual respect and love are extremely positive, life-changing experiences.
You are responsible for your body. Decide what you want out of life. Do you want many brief, anonymous sexual encounters? Do you value physical activity more than emotional commitment? Or, in your opinion, does emotional involvement come first, and physical satisfaction second?
Generally, people who wait for long-term (year-plus), loving relationships have the most positive sexual experiences, if indeed they choose to have sex, which many don't. Some couples enjoy just being together, and kissing, but see little need to go farther. Why should they? If you're romantically inclined, a massage is a much better gift than a blowjob.
Whether you want a serious, committed relationship or a series of flings, don't engage in sexual activity because you don't think you'll find someone who loves you. You will: the majority of people don't marry until well into their twenties, and many of these men and women never dated in high school, much less junior high. There's someone out there going through the same thing you are. You will meet this person; the choice is whether it's worth the wait. Choose what makes you comfortable. Do not compromise your beliefs, regardless of what others think. You have to live with yourself afterwards. Others don't.
Oral sex is a good example. Some girls think they can give head to "keep" their boyfriends while still remaining "virgins." First, any guy you must give sexual favors to "keep" is not a guy you want to be dating. Secondly, isn't oral sex sex? Oral sex puts you at risk for STDs just like "normal" sex. Sure, you won't get pregnant, but you might be prevented from ever getting pregnant (many STDs can cause sterility).
Oral sex isn't just physically risky; you put yourself in emotional jeopardy as well. Think: you're putting your (or his) penis in your mouth; few things are more intmate than that. You really need to trust your partner. NEVER get involved with someone who doesn't treat you right.
If you limit virginity to meaning "never having had sexual intercourse," I suppose you can still be a virgin and have oral sex. But that's missing the point: oral sex is heavy stuff. Some feel oral sex to be even more intimate than intercourse! You have to reject the idea "virginity" means "going as far as possible as fast as possible without penetration." Not only is this view physically and emotionally dangerous, it's wrong.
In school we are often taught to remain virgins, but we are told "virgin" simply means "someone who hasn't had sex." There is a world of sexual activity before intercourse, and much of this activity is as physically and emotionally charged as intercourse itself.
We are told to remain virgins for many reasons, some factual, some mythical. One valid reason: in the heat of the moment, our desire often runs away with us. Only by having a conscious commitment to saying no can we back down effectively. Saying "yes" merely because you got too excited is bound to leave regrets.
Our bodies are designed to be sexually responsive, but we are also designed to attach emotionally to those we are involved with sexually. This is what makes sex sacred in marriage. In a "casual" relationship, this can be very bad.
Becoming sexually involved-- even just petting; it doesn't have to be intercourse-- with someone who doesn't care can be disastrous. Because some people can have meaningless sex, if sex means something to you, and now you've done it and expect commitment, but he or she doesn't, well, you can see the problem. This is why it is important to set sexual limits before you get involved. Once you are in a relationship, you are much more likely to go farther than you originally intended, unless you have a clear idea about where you stand.
If you are in a relationship, and you're personally considering sexual activity, start talking about things together. Discuss sexual activity before you do it. Insure you're both on the same page before you skip to the next chapter. Even if you've had sexual experiences in the past (good or bad), it's important to clear the waters and figure out where exactly your relationship is. Miscommunication is a huge problem.
Sexuality grows with age. It's wonderful, but don't rush it. There's a lot of pressure, but stand up to that. Many who start early regret beginning so soon, even of those who really like sex now. Nearly all who wait have no regrets. You have your whole life ahead of you; you'll have opportunities throughout to engage in as much sexual activity as you want.
Wait until you find someone you care about, and cares about you. Wait a little longer to be sure. Watching the game from the sidelines before you get on the field really helps. Sexual activity isn't necessarily "bad"-- but it definitely can be if you screw it up. Have patience. If you stand by your dreams you will acheive them.
Sex may seem commonplace, but many couples are more interested in getting to know each other than seeing what they can do to each other. Sexuality is a big part of who we are, but it doesn't have to be expressed through sex. A romantic card can share the same thought, but you won't look back on the card with regret if it doesn't last.
We all view sexuality a little differently. However, if you wish to wait for someone special, someone you truly love and enjoy the presence of, by all means, do wait, and let this serve as inspiration to you. There is someone out there.